THE TOURIST AND I.

While I was walking on the beach last morning I bumped into to a Tourist and wished her good morning. She responded and I sensed she wouldn’t mind some company and we both ambled along in the same direction. I was on my mobile with my Seredipity and we were talking about a posting I had made in my Blog. When I finished my call I noticed that the tourist had been listening to my conversation. She introduced herself to me, I responded.

We exchanged formalities and started talking about this, that and the other. She wanted to know if I was a writer and I told her I do write but I still don’t consider myself one yet. She wanted to know about me and what I was doing in this part of the country, so I asked to visit my blog which is self-explanatory. She was curious and invited me for breakfast at her hotel. I accepted gladly.

We got our self a table for two and ordered baked beans, sausages and fried eggs, sunny side up, accompanied with fresh bread rolls and butter. It had been a while since I had a breakfast like this. The conversation was lively ranging from politics to polemics and we finally ended up by exchanging email addresses and agreed to keep in touch. She was leaving back to the United Kingdom that afternoon and she promised she would check my blog and as requested by me comment. We ordered coffee and indulged in idle conversation.

I could feel a funny feeling developing in me and I was squirming trying to figure out how I could make a dignified hasty exit when I farted one of those small prerrrps. These fuckers are in the frequency range that can be picked up by anybody a few yards away from you!!! They are very unpredictable and no one can guess when the next one is due. All I know is once they start they don’t stop. They are very difficult to conceal and I was trying to raise my voice to muffle them with very little success.

I knew she was aware that I was farting and I must give her credit for ignoring it and continuing with our conversation. The problem with this type of fart is that going to the toilet doesn’t solve anything. You don’t shit and they continue.

So I tried to predict them whenever I could and raise my voice a few decibels and it was embarrassing!! I was sure that the guests close to us were aware of this. This went on for about ten minutes and I was thinking to myself “To hell with this I am walking out", when there was this humongous trumpet like sound coming from my friend the tourist. There was pin drop silence all around us!!!!

Both of us looked at each other called for the bill, she signed it and we very casually held hands and walked out of the restaurant and set off to the beach accompanied by prerrrps all the way. We collapsed on the sand and burst out laughing as I told her I am posting this for sure. Her reply, “please do and you can bet your ass I will comment!!!!”

LIFE IN THE VILLAGE.

The one phrase you hear so regularly is “Huthe”, in English Cunt!!!
Everybody in my village uses this as an expression to indicate anger, sorrow, disgust or happiness!!! You brought me something; you are a cunt!!! Thank you!!! The vernacular of the Sinhala language is something that I find fascinating.

An example; my landlord’s grandchild has this habit of coming to my yard and squatting with his pants on to have his morning shit. Poor fellow has not been trained to do the same in the toilet!! And the amount of profanity between mother and son is something that I find entertaining and quite frankly very relaxing.

I find that this village has accepted me as one their own, I was so touched by the fact that the owner of the Grocery store brought his daughter after her baptism, unlike the Catholics they follow a Christian format, the difference confuses me, to offer me a feast of traditional goodies and worshiped me in the formal way of touching my feet!!!!

This practice is dismissed by many as bullshit that you don’t have do it, It is an act of reverence to somebody who is older and valued as a member of society. It was not done out of compulsion!! The Parents felt that my blessings would bring this six year old girl all she wanted in life and she would succeed in whatever she wanted to!!! I touched her head and said a prayer for her.

Anyway I was contemplating how come in a short time I have been recognized as one of their own??? I came here on the 25th of June and I have lived here for a few weeks. Anyway to get the point of what I was trying to say.

The Sinhala language is probably the best after Greek to express vulgarity and profanity effectively. Mother Fucker is so mild compared to Umbe Ammata Hukanawa keri Vesige Putha!!! I will fuck your mother you cum prostitute’s son. The interesting aspect I find so amusing is both sexes use it!!! This is one area that there is no gender bias and I was told today by shop owners on the main road that I live in the most dangerous part of the village.

I have not felt that it was, in fact it is the most secure place I have lived in. I feel a sense of protection around me. When I walk on the streets there is somebody who will amble along with me and gossip. Yes profanity is a common form of our language that we use in everyday conversations!!! You find the old and young using it with no hesitation. I do it!!!

I was wondering how come I felt that I belonged here? I asked my mother she told me that I was more at home with the thugs at Beramulle in Kotahena as opposed to the upper middle class residents of Alwis place. This really intrigued me!! I had missed something!!!

My natural instincts to probe were activated. I questioned my landlord and found about his ancestry. I followed that trend with a few of the older residents here. What I learned is so amazing!!! Every fucking person who lives in my part of the village has a lineage that can be traced to Kerala!!! My mother was from Kerala!!! No wonder I am accepted!!!! That is why I feel I have found my home!!!!

THE VILLAGE IN ACTION

I was involved in solving problem for one of my friends. His Internet connection was screwed. When I checked his lap top it had 227 viruses!!!! The process to get his machine working again was tedious, I finally finished at about two in the morning. I was at the hotel where the guy works, so I had all the food I wanted and star class treatment. I was VVIP!!! It’s been long time since I got this kind of attention. Where everybody caters only to you, fuck the tourist this is our “Mahathaya”, Our Sir!!!

I got up late which is very unusual for me as generally I get up when I hear the birds singing. I went to the grocery store, or Kadde as we call it in Sinhala, to get bread, ambled along the streets I love, went to the beach, enjoyed the breeze and came back home. I was supposed to arrange my room, but I postponed it!!!!

My thoughts were about my Serendipity, who is very unhappy these days and I am powerless to do anything about it!!! I wonder sometimes if my impulsive nature has harmed the one person who encouraged and stimulated me to write.

I was sitting at the dining table watching AL JAZEERA when I heard my landlord muttering to himself and walking in the garden, my curiosity was aroused and I asked him what the problem was and if I could help. His reply “No you can’t” This intrigued me, so I came to the porch of my home and there was a huge machine and a minivan on the road. The whole bloody village had surrounded it!!! The person in charge was a lady and these jokers had come to install a communication tower in our playground!!!!!

I believe that I am blessed to witness events that very few people have an opportunity to observe and this drama qualifies as one of the best I have seen!!! There was a surreal atmosphere as my landlord walked with a “Kathe”, a sword of some sort, and comes up with the phrase I am so used to now and hear so often “Umbe Ammata Hukanawa kari vesi, (I will fuck your mother you cum prostitute)

The lady whom my landlord accosted was visibly trembling and I could sense her fear when she mumbled that she was sorry, and practically gathered her Sari (in Sinhala the term used is redda ussela) and quickly got back in the minivan. There were two males in the Van and they didn’t even get out of it!!! The Driver just reversed and got lost. The playground is used by adults and kids and the people of my village stood collectively to stop the desecration of the ground!!

The pride and victory in the village was evident as they dispersed. I thought of the Middle East and what happened to Mubarak in Egypt. I sense a growing feeling of dissent and discontent in my village!!!! They have been lied to so many times and as the old saying goes you can fool the people some of the time etc; People when pushed to the limit will revolt and the consequences in the absence of genuine and trustworthy leadership is horrific!!!. I witnessed it in 1983!!!

I hope this Nation matures; we all have a social responsibility to make sure that we hold our leaders accountable and the people we elect are sincere!! They are supposed to be for the people and civil society has to initiate action to ensure this. Unfortunately those who have the influence to do so don’t!!!! For them protecting their interests and singing Hosanna to the King is what matters.

The village was calm , when a man looking very confident walks up and tells my landlord that he didn’t want to bring his sword and chop the lady into bits as he didn’t want to incite any violence!! My landlord looked at him and said, in Sinhala, “you Mother Fucking prick you don’t have a sword your fucking wife sold it when she didn’t have money to buy bread and if you come and try to claim credit for what we did, I will cut your balls off!!!”

THE LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER.

I was hoping to get my table today and put my room into some kind of order. But unfortunately the table wasn’t ready. So that was an excuse for me to do what I love doing; Procrastinate! In other words listen to music and do jack shit! I use the dining table as my work space now I have wired it to accommodate my electrical requirements. I have enough space to place all my equipment and a very comfortable chair plus the hall is very cool as there is a constant breeze when all the windows are opened. The endless stream of my landlord’s extended family have a habit of peeping from the door, I don’t care about it because they are young and curious, and they in turn don’t particularly care that I am in my underwear (when I mean underwear I am referring to Boxer shorts and nothing else) peering at my Computer completely absorbed in whatever I am doing. They wouldn’t dare come into the house. My landlord wrath is something they wouldn’t want to be subjected to!!!

I was browsing the net listening to Adkins and at the same time looking forward to my evening walk in the Mangroves to the Canal. My mind was preoccupied with the problems and heartaches I have caused my Serendipity of late. In my opinion we are so close and at the same time capable of hurting each other on trifles which in retrospect are so stupid. And we are supposed to be intelligent!!!! What a paradox!!!

The sounds when I am alone at home are so comforting, The noise of the vendors, the various conversations and asides that neighbors exchange on their way to and fro on the road, the occasional glance I am told which is cast towards my door way, this I was told by my Body guard, who takes his duties very seriously and a general noise level that is discernable in spite of the volume of my sound system.

I am jolted with a shriek that shatters the entire ambience with a voice that sounded vaguely familiar “Umbe Amatta Hukannawa Kari Vesige Putha!!!” The closest translation to English is “I will fuck your Mother you Cum prostitutes Son!!!” I rushed to the porch and see my landlord’s daughter chasing her four year old son on the playground opposite my home who is darting all around reminding me of Speedy Gonzales!!!! She is wearing a sarong which covers her body from breast to thighs, just had a bath; still wet I could see the contours of her body, very revealing and quite sexy chasing her son!!! I didn’t quite know whether I should admire this scenery, take a photograph or just laugh!!!!

I have known this Woman from 2008; she has always been a prim and proper absolutely classy lady. I always call her Madam and she is one of the many of my landlord’s off springs who ensures there is something extra every night at dinner. I watched this drama for some time before both Mother and Son got tired and retired hurt. Her parting shot before they both walked back to their home “I am going to tell you’re Father” This I had to see!!!!

The Father who drives a three wheeler came home late in the afternoon. The poor guy had a problem with a punctured tire and looked very tired when a shrill voice yelled at him “Me amata hukana Lamayek!!!”, “This is a mother fucking child!!!”. And the husbands Response;“Kuppiya Pawitche kerewe nathe Ai???”. “Why didn’t you use the condom???” The answer was classic “ Aye Yako umbe hithiwe hukanda witharai awila gahuwa kelimma kuppi thiya matta naanda dunne na. Echerata hadisiya!!!” The best translation I can conjure is “You devil all you thought was about a fuck, let alone the condom, you didn’t even let me have a bath you were in such a hurry!!!!”

I saw the Mother and the Son in the evening. He was vomiting and she was rubbing his chest gently and crooning words of affection to comfort him. I saw in this what my mother must have gone through when I was that age I believe and cried the whole night for no apparent reason. There is a saying in Tamil that Amma Passam or a Mother's compassion has no boundaries or limits! What came to my mind was the plight of the thousands of Mothers who have lost their children in conflicts all over the world and what they must be going through every day of their lives!

THE POTTY AND ME.

I did see the dawn of the day as I posted on the twenty fifth and went to sleep feeling so very content that yes I was free at last. I was listening to Yoga music and fell asleep. My apprehensions about living on my own again had disappeared and the sense confidence that I had been lacking for some time in my life restored.

Thinking about my life and what I went through and how I accepted challenges without fear and arrogance drifted through my mind while I was dozing off. Those thoughts have to be documented at another time. I don’t quite recollect how long I slept but I got up with an urgent need to go to the toilet.

I have a miner’s lamp in my possession which I wearily put on my head and very tentatively found my way to the bathroom. I don’t have a modern bathroom in my humble aboard it’s what is known as a squat system. I don’t mind that because I have been told by a very close friend of mine that squatting is the best way of getting rid of all the garbage we produce after we consume.

It was okay I did wash my ass with the water I had to carry into this toilet; it was a good motion and walked back to my room to continue with my disrupted sleep. It was not even a few minutes before the urge to go the toilet was apparent.

This time it was a loose motion!!!! I can’t remember how long I squatted because it was still dark and while I made my way back into the house (The toilet is in an outhouse) I was wondering why a loose motion!!! Anyway I thought I will try to sleep again. I was in for a surprise. My fucking system had decided to go overtime in the shit department!!!!!

I had two problems to deal with I was having a problem squatting, my knees were aching and my energy levels were getting depleted and I didn’t want to even call the half way home so that they would have the last word “You can’t live on your own, You shouldn’t have left!!!”

I woke up my Landlord and told him he had to help me and, this is why I respect him, In his words “Mahathayo mama me hema huthelage pukka hodala thiyanawa!!!!” Sir I washed all these cunts ass holes!!!!. For about three hours he escorted me to the toilet and baby sat me while I was basically shitting water!!!! He washed me escorted me back to my room and again went through the same process without a murmur or complaint.

By eight in the morning I thought my system would settle but it didn’t!!!!! I wasn’t shitting anything in the sense of the word, I was just passing water and boy was it frequent!!!!! I was practically living in the outhouse and my ass was burning!!!!!

Then came the real problem my landlord he had to leave me alone at home!!!!! One of his grandchildren was getting baptized!!!!! Like I said this man dotes on me and I will never forget how he touched my head and said shit where ever you want I will come and clean it up!!!!!!!

I had a problem with that this was my second day at my home and the rules of engagement as far as his grandchildren were concerned were not established!!! They have a habit of walking into the house whenever they feel like it and the last thing I wanted his grandchildren to see was me shitting in the hall and on top of which I was having a stomach cramp and the pain was unbearable. Fortunately I carry an assortment of drugs with me and I took a pain killer.

Suddenly I realized why I was having a loose motion. The half way home gives you a banana once a week after lunch. I had purchased a bunch of bananas the previous day ,about nine of them and I had been copiously eating them like a starving refugee!!! My whole fucking system was doing a cleaning act!!!! That comprehension helped to realize that I was not sick!!!! So I decided a cup of coffee was what I need and then the shit hit the fan!!!!!!

My Landlords eldest grandson was in my home and I needed to shit!!! I knew I wouldn’t be able to squat in the outhouse and I couldn’t possibly ask this twelve year old boy to wash my backside! I walked very carefully to the back of the house and for my bad luck the neighbor’s young daughter was picking flowers in her garden!!! Talk about timing and to cap it all she is enquiring as to how I am and wanted to find out my pedigree!!!!!!

I can’t quite remember what I mumbled but I saw a bucket grabbed it rushed to my room, close my door and squatted to let flow the biggest loose motion I have had in my life!!!!. I didn’t have water to wash, so I took an old T-Shirt and wiped my ass planning to worry about how to deal with it later!!!!

I used my make shift potty several times before my stomach finally settled. I was so exhausted and felt weak. Finally I just fell asleep. I got up after a few hours and my system had settled down. My Landlord was in the porch waiting for to get up as he had got some food for me. I ate what I could and wished him good night and slept till seven in the morning.

I felt good in the morning and asked my land lord to arrange for breakfast while I had a cup of coffee and congratulated myself that I had managed my first crisis without having to call on the half way home. It suddenly struck me that I hadn’t cleaned my potty and when I went to get it I howled with laughter. I had been using an old rusted tin with a lid mistaking it for a bucket!!!!

FREEDOM AT MIDNIGHT

I am listening to a song from a Tamil Movie that I watched recently and enjoying my first night of freedom from the half way home on my own! Though I tried to get my life back together twice, I failed miserably! Finally I decided I will do it my way and take my chances.

I went for a walk to the beach late in the evening and had a dip! I have a body guard who wants to learn about computers in return for his services to protect and take care of me! I have posted elsewhere that I love this village!!! This is one of the reasons why!!! Oh Boy was it refreshing to have a sea bath at dusk. I came back and had a bath with well water. Now that’s what I call living!!! The last time I did that was at my Aunts place (Fathers Sister) when I was a kid. I had rested in the afternoon and wanted to see the new day in at midnight. The air is sultry, my room is a mess but I feel very much that I am at my home now and feel a sense of belonging that had been missing for some time in my life. My mattress is comfy and my sound system is up and running. My Landlord who is ten years my senior dotes on me and has assured me of fried fish every evening to supplement my dinner.

I was to leave the home tomorrow but the need to get out of the home was so compelling I packed my worldly possession (a lot of it junk that I have accumulated over three years) and left to greet the 26th of June from my new residence. Before my late evening loaf I was getting acclimatized to my new place, finding out where light switches, power points etc. It was fun to go buy my dinner in the night and have some coffee before eating. Subsequently it was entertaining to sit on the porch and gossip with my neighbors about subjects ranging from politics to personal issues. The way the conversations were conducted were hilarious with my Landlord making it very clear that nobody should come and disturb me unless he gives them permission. I am technically supposed to only have a room here but I have the whole house to myself. He is right now sleeping outside while I am sitting at the dining table listening to Mika and writing!!!

It is almost midnight now and its pleasant, I am contemplating a cup of coffee and a snack when I thought of a person I considered an elder brother to me, the late Rajan Bala. In my opinion, he was probably the most well informed Journalist as far as Cricket, Cricketing and Cricketers were concerned. Being a voracious reader he was also very knowledgeable and one of the most interesting characters I have had the privilege of knowing. I have spent many a memorable moment especially during cricket matches when he used to stay with me, while on assignment covering them.

He once remarked how Jawaharlal Neru, Independent India’s first Prime Minister, treated Members of his Cabinet when he wanted to make a point. Apparently these meetings were held in a room in the Prime Ministers Residence and they all used to sit on the floor, I am sure on luxurious carpets, and the great man used to throw a cushion at any member who showed signs of disagreeing with him. How true this is I don’t know I am just quoting Rajan as narrated to me by him!

Recollecting this ended up by my thinking of Nehru’s famous speech, a Tryst with Destiny, when India gained independence. An extract came to mind; “At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom.”

I can’t and don’t want to wake up anybody, not even my Landlord, or for that matter anybody in my village, forget the Country, at this ungodly hour. Its so quiet and everybody is a sleep!! All I know is I have got my freedom in the real sense of the word and after so long I feel alive and content!!!!

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAWN OF A DAY

It is exactly One Year one month and four days and god knows how many minutes; let’s forget the seconds, since the day I was admitted to hospital after my love affair with alcohol ensured that my regular room at the hospital was to become my home again.

It’s the dawn of a day after all that I post this today. I went to sleep early but somehow other the need to write woke me up. The mixed emotions of yesterday when after a long time that I reacted to a situation that was compounded from the time I successfully completed my exam to the events that have unfolded since and the situations I have been subject to leaves me with a sense of sadness that will take a long time to come to terms with.

I have written about perceptions about me in this blog and how the label that I am branded with distorts the opinion of those who claim to care about me, affects me. Today I think I realize how the culmination of all this hurts.

I consider myself an easy going person who can suffer abuse both emotionally and physically without too much of a hassle. You know what? I can’t!!! I now know that those I trust betray me, not in any material sense, but expected me to fail or that I am so sick and probably would fail!!!

Trust in those who claim to care about you and reinforce that feeling of security was something I assumed and dependent on was the most important thing to to me and like a moron I assumed this was gospel truth. I was so wrong!!!! There is so much more to my expectations than that. But I live and learn daily!!

In a lighter vein since I have to look at the funny side, if I had not succeeded in my endeavor to get my act together, decided I am going to live a fulfilled life again and do something with whatever time I have left in this planet and instead screwed it up everybody would have breathed a sigh of relief. They could have very well have had the last laugh and told me very condescendingly we told you so. Unfortunately I have fucked the whole plan up!!! How bloody inconvenient!

Look at it I have not sat for a competitive exam since ninety two, according to those who claim to know better at this age I will only end up with a worse depression when I fail. After all a Bi Polar ex-alcoholic, fifty three years old, wouldn't be able to retain what I am taught or have the discipline to follow a course let alone successfully complete and oh my gosh pass the exam ??? You know I was just lucky. The deity of intelligence and knowledge decided to bless me at that time with his or her benevolence (I don’t know the sex of the deity who intervened) and guided me and provided me the answers to my question paper. I never did attend a grueling course or for that matter study you see!!! Of course I did visit the temple before my exam after donkey’s years and my prayers were answered. That should explain everything!!!!

I know of quite a few people who also visited all the temples in this country and who are half my age and flunk competitive exams. Some even according to what I have read committed suicide when the results were declared. What a bloody nuisance I have become.

But in all this there is, to use her words solace, in my Serendipity who was one of the first to encourage me and have faith that I would excel and I wouldn’t fail. Of course the other is my Mother who always believed in me. The former is twenty two and the latter is eighty eight, years of age. I am lucky I have them in my life!!!

A MEMORABLE DAY

I returned last evening to the half way home after a week of absence pondering if I should seriously consider sharing my time between my room I was going to shift to and the home. Any positive thoughts I had towards even considering such an arrangement took a hike when I was subjected to the latest idiotic bureaucratic procedures that the Management had introduced which at best could be described as dumb. Relieved that I didn’t have to waist any more time on this aspect of my future course of action I went to my room and after early dinner retired to bed. I was supposed to meet the Doctor the next day to formally notify him of my plans.

I was informed this morning that the good Doctor was indisposed and would probably see me only on Sunday. I didn’t quite care as I had so much of piled up to look into so that I could quite the Home by the end of the month.

Trying to do some housekeeping on my laptop I stumbled across a directory of music that I had downloaded over the last few years and started playing some of the tracks. I was hearing some of songs after so long and I was enjoying myself and dancing to the tunes when I suddenly noticed a Resident at my window staring at me in utter amazement.

This guy suffers from both a speech and hearing impediment but with a hearing aid can manage to pick up sounds legibly. He has been here for over a year now and I do smile at him when I see him and greet him with the only thing I know in sign language; Good Morning! I opened my door and beckoned him in, he indicated he would be back and in a moment returned with his hearing aid. With a mixture of sounds and gestures he indicated to me that he liked the music I was playing and whether he could listen to some more. I positioned one of my speakers near his hearing aid pick up device and went about selecting the best tracks from my collection.

I started with the first song I played on a guitar, ‘The house of the Rising Sun’, I took my guitar out and showed him how the chords were formed and using all my miming talents and gestures explained to him how I stared playing as a kid. This lead to the fist Greek song I ever learned by a teenage heartthrob Gnianis Parios showing him pictures of my days at sea. This unusual conversation between me and this guy was observed by several members of the Staff and other Residents who I think came to the conclusion that I had not taken my medication!!!

I played him one my favorite Hindi Film Songs performed by the legendary Lata Mangeshkar in the film Umrao Jan staring Rekha, to me the all-time sexiest woman in Bollywood. I tried to mimic the dances, my late sister did when she finished learning the Indian Classical Art form Barathanatiyam, to the song showing him a picture of my Sister dressed for a performance sometime before she died. Memories of the drummer or the Murudhangam player Atchuthan, also my teacher, came to my mind as I showed pictures of me performing at a folk concert drumming. Extracts of music from the album chess ended up by my sharing how I felt when I first saw the musical in West End. I showed him pictures of Diana Ross while playing some her songs and pictures of me in Las Vegas and explaining to him how I had gone for one her concerts and missed a chance of a life time of her sitting on my lap as I was one row behind the guy she chose to do so! For the first time I was remembering wonderful moments of my life with both the living and the dead sharing it with someone in a unique way and understanding the true meaning of the word joy. I was also able to think of my dead relatives without that acute pain of loss that these memories usually evoke!

I really wouldn’t blame anybody who watched this drama in my room thinking we were both mad!!! The music was loud, I was gesticulating and miming like a monkey in heat, this guy was reacting with grunts, sounds and noises and widely waving his hands accompanied by this insane look on his face and moments of comprehension when he would give me the thumbs up and nod his head violently.

While playing my favorite songs he learned a lot about me as I about him and we both understood each other! We were both exhausted after about four hours and finally ended up watching a tribute to Herby Hancock on U Tube.

I have been told by those who have read my material that I write well, I know that I am a good story teller but what I didn’t know and something I found out only today is I can communicate. And the look this guy gave me when we both acknowledged that we had to stop said it all.

I saw him to his room and he asked me in his own way, which I have learned to comprehend at last, why I so was happy today. I told him because I would be leaving soon and staying on my own. He hugged me, pulled back and with a dead pan expression showed me his palms and shrugged his shoulders, indicating, with what I know now, his pain that he had no where to go!!!

THE WIFE, MARRIAGE AND THE RYDER

The combination of the tittle is the sequence of events. I had met Wife after a long time in circumstances that were not acrimonious, discussed the complicated topic of marriage with my Serendipity and the comment my Wife made on my posting of yesterday in that order. The post a result of my wanting to rationalize a Wife, Marriage and a Comment in context of where I am heading in my life and what I think now.

I met my Wife and enjoyed a pleasant evening with her and my Mother-In-Law. The range of topics was varied and I did feel that at last whatever the future holds it would be something without malice complemented with moments of serious acknowledgements of the ground realities and acceptance that being apart with identified common ground of contention was a solution. What was especially satisfying for me was there was a commitment that whatever we do should take into account of the interests of both us. In lite banter the cost of a divorce was tossed about, scenarios of how life would be, expectations and hopes etc., amongst many other topics dominated the lively conversation. It followed the trend I had set some time back in a telephone conversation with my Wife. My reasoning had been accepted and progress in our individual lives was evident. Stories and events that had happened and on going were exchanged. My Wife read my blog, the initial chapters of the book I am writing, commented on the blog and a delicious meal concluded proceedings.

My Serendipity had read my Wife’s comments and when we chatting the next day the topic naturally drifted to what had happened the previous evening and the subject of Marriage came up. Her rather idealistic view of the whole business wanted me to summarize twenty one years of Married life the second time. I really couldn’t! There is no magic potion that makes or breaks a marriage that I know of. The standard prerequisites that are glibly tossed around of compatibility, understanding, compromise and sacrifices are just the tip of the repository of phrases that I have come across in conversations with so many on this subject. Heck I have used them so often!

Once married, couples tend to forget why they did so in the first place. When romancing we tend to take the effort to reinforce love in a big way, taking time to find just the right place and ambience to pursue ardently the person who interests us. Invariably this nose dives in priority after a few years of signing the dotted line. Initially physical encounters are protected to ensure optimum fulfillment. Subsequently the phone rings or the children cry whenever the need arises!!! Birthdays celebrated with intimacy no longer counts. Being sexy and taking the effort to look attractive loses its importance since security is assumed by the legality of marriage, and guaranteed continuity presumed. Many forget that success require care, attention and nurturing. Somewhere down the line focus shifts and the quality of life together deteriorates. Before long boredom leads to either infidelity or some other distraction. I too at one time like my Serendipity was convinced by the image of successful marriages. Then I also learned both personally and from my observations what goes on behind the public facade. I should know I did the same not once but twice!

I now believe that if you have a lifelong affair with the one you love the chances are it will survive the test of time. In my case there were other problems but that is my conclusion after two failures. I don’t think I am the marrying kind and I should have lived in sin. Even though I hate to assume certainties in retrospect, I think had I done that I wouldn’t have hurt so many people. Finally apportioning blame for a joint failure is meaningless and the only statement that reflects my philosophy accurately is, It takes two to Tango!

My love affair with alcohol is not something that I am very proud of but neither is it something that I waste my time dwelling on. I have the made the effort and with the continuing reinforcement that I instill in myself daily, have at last achieved the balance to ensure that the bottle won’t be a problem for me anymore. So many years have now gone by and there is so much to be happy about and so much to cry about. Could things have been different if I was different?? I wouldn’t know. I am what I have become and that brings its own fortunes and misfortunes. Like it or not that is something that I have to live with. I doubt that inherent traits and instinctive behavior can be changed and even if I could I wouldn’t want to change my personality to an extent that I end up to be something I am not. I am great believer in learning from the past and as I always maintained there is only one thing in our existence that we have absolute control over barring unforeseen tragedy. That is the present. The past serves as the best tool for knowledge and experience. We have no control over what the future holds and attempts at predicting it is not only foolish but idiotic. The present is all that is there to be dealt with tangibly, clearly and precisely using every iota of intelligence and skills available complimented with the lessons of the past. This ensures a yesterday that one can be proud of, a today that can be made interesting and prepares one to face the tomorrow with confidence!!!

As for the Ryder my Wife left as a comment I see her point. It has not been easy on her but neither has it been on me. We have both contributed towards what happened and should take comfort that we can still communicate effectively and warmly without strangling each other on sight. If we are smart we should take those lessons very seriously and apply them in our live styles in whatever time is left for us on this Planet. We are better off apart and as close friends since we know each other so well. We tried to make it work twice and failed and as someone once told me making a mistake once is acceptable, twice can be forgiven but a third is lunacy. In our case the costs of failure though heavy at the time has fortunately not left serious scars in the psyche and is obvious to those who have known us over the last two decades that we look good and content now. So tell me why on earth fuck it up??????

FORTY EIGHT HOURS

I returned to the half way home after a two day stay in Colombo. I came back late in the afternoon yesterday and decided to have lunch in one of the wayside restaurants that populate the coast line in this area. I spent a very fruitful afternoon not only having a good lunch but also organizing the logistics for the weekend when my fellow students are due here to attend a joint study session before we sit for our exams next week. I returned to the half way home around four PM planning an easy evening and early night to recoup and get ready for the intensive study program I intend to commence from today.

I was accosted by a visibly agitated Doctor who had noted that I had returned to the half way home early in the afternoon and then subsequently gone out again. It transpired that he needed my services urgently to help him out with one of the Residents who had to be taken to hospital for the customary checkup before admission to the Halfway Home. I knew this Resident as he had been here before and much against the Doctor wishes discharged himself prematurely without completing his program. He was an Alcoholic!

I really was in no mood to take care of belligerent alcoholics familiar or otherwise and certainly didn’t want to spoil what had been a very pleasant stay in Colombo getting involved in the admission procedures of the Institute. Nevertheless I acquiesced very reluctantly and marched off to the Residents room prepared to use my rather intimidating powers of persuasion to ensure that this guy got ready pronto and went to hospital. The sight that greeted me made me pause and throttle the words I was about to deliver in anger. This was how I would have looked like in May 2010!!! Empathy took over and I quickly changed my tactics and eventually found myself accompanying the guy to the Hospital. So much for my relaxed evening!!!

The gist of what he conveyed to me was a familiar lament. The reasons equally uninspiring, the conclusions and results boringly identical. But my usual sarcastic one liners and wit was tempered with a feeling of Deja Vu and a cold feeling of realization of how this had happened to me not just once but on several occasions. The Consultant Doctor at the Hospital was a Psychiatrists I used for second opinions and I was able to quickly get the Resident attended to. My concern that there was risk of seizure due to withdrawals was put at rest and the Doctors rather bemused look as to what I was doing in Hospital dressed in what I refer to as my HADU outfits in Sinhalese, generally consisting of old T-Shirts with holes in strategic places and my trade mark crumpled track pants was replaced with a wink, when I explained that I hadn’t come to him for his opinion but due to the emergency at hand and I had progressed quite well, thank you, since I consulted him in February.

On the way back to the Home I was preoccupied with an analysis I had done when researching the best way to overcome alcoholism. There are those who seem to able to give up drinking without any repercussions or the issues that many of us go through when we are forced to accept that we have a drinking problem when things really hit rock bottom. They stop and stay away from the booze for the rest of their existence! Then there are those who manage to do so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs and after some trial and error end up leading lives of sobriety. Then there are the more troublesome cases such as mine that require hospitalization and a period of sanitization and repeated relapses before sobriety with occasional lapses is finally achieved. The last category are probably in the eyes of many the most incorrigible and often viewed with disdain and ridiculed by many who don’t have an alcoholic problem and cannot understand or comprehend how this can happen. They dismiss these individuals as not being strong willed and capable human beings!!! They don’t know or care to acknowledge that they might end up in the same boat one day! Life has a strange way of dealing off the deck.

Back in my room after finishing my work and listening to music, tired and exhausted I looked back at the last forty eight hours. It had been great. I had a pleasant evening the previous day, Saro read my blog and was the first to post a comment, my Mother-In-Law thought it was fabulous and I should get the material published but by far the best moment for me was the incident that occurred when I left the Doctors room at the Hospital. I couldn’t read the Doctors expression but his tone and the look conveyed subtleness in meaning that I have yet to comprehend. Looking at me straight in the eye he said “Thank you for taking care of my Patient! “ My re-joiner “No problems Doc! I have been there”, accompanied by a wry smile was followed with a tear drop from my eye!