The combination of the tittle is the sequence of events. I had met Wife after a long time in circumstances that were not acrimonious, discussed the complicated topic of marriage with my Serendipity and the comment my Wife made on my posting of yesterday in that order. The post a result of my wanting to rationalize a Wife, Marriage and a Comment in context of where I am heading in my life and what I think now.
I met my Wife and enjoyed a pleasant evening with her and my Mother-In-Law. The range of topics was varied and I did feel that at last whatever the future holds it would be something without malice complemented with moments of serious acknowledgements of the ground realities and acceptance that being apart with identified common ground of contention was a solution. What was especially satisfying for me was there was a commitment that whatever we do should take into account of the interests of both us. In lite banter the cost of a divorce was tossed about, scenarios of how life would be, expectations and hopes etc., amongst many other topics dominated the lively conversation. It followed the trend I had set some time back in a telephone conversation with my Wife. My reasoning had been accepted and progress in our individual lives was evident. Stories and events that had happened and on going were exchanged. My Wife read my blog, the initial chapters of the book I am writing, commented on the blog and a delicious meal concluded proceedings.
My Serendipity had read my Wife’s comments and when we chatting the next day the topic naturally drifted to what had happened the previous evening and the subject of Marriage came up. Her rather idealistic view of the whole business wanted me to summarize twenty one years of Married life the second time. I really couldn’t! There is no magic potion that makes or breaks a marriage that I know of. The standard prerequisites that are glibly tossed around of compatibility, understanding, compromise and sacrifices are just the tip of the repository of phrases that I have come across in conversations with so many on this subject. Heck I have used them so often!
Once married, couples tend to forget why they did so in the first place. When romancing we tend to take the effort to reinforce love in a big way, taking time to find just the right place and ambience to pursue ardently the person who interests us. Invariably this nose dives in priority after a few years of signing the dotted line. Initially physical encounters are protected to ensure optimum fulfillment. Subsequently the phone rings or the children cry whenever the need arises!!! Birthdays celebrated with intimacy no longer counts. Being sexy and taking the effort to look attractive loses its importance since security is assumed by the legality of marriage, and guaranteed continuity presumed. Many forget that success require care, attention and nurturing. Somewhere down the line focus shifts and the quality of life together deteriorates. Before long boredom leads to either infidelity or some other distraction. I too at one time like my Serendipity was convinced by the image of successful marriages. Then I also learned both personally and from my observations what goes on behind the public facade. I should know I did the same not once but twice!
I now believe that if you have a lifelong affair with the one you love the chances are it will survive the test of time. In my case there were other problems but that is my conclusion after two failures. I don’t think I am the marrying kind and I should have lived in sin. Even though I hate to assume certainties in retrospect, I think had I done that I wouldn’t have hurt so many people. Finally apportioning blame for a joint failure is meaningless and the only statement that reflects my philosophy accurately is, It takes two to Tango!
My love affair with alcohol is not something that I am very proud of but neither is it something that I waste my time dwelling on. I have the made the effort and with the continuing reinforcement that I instill in myself daily, have at last achieved the balance to ensure that the bottle won’t be a problem for me anymore. So many years have now gone by and there is so much to be happy about and so much to cry about. Could things have been different if I was different?? I wouldn’t know. I am what I have become and that brings its own fortunes and misfortunes. Like it or not that is something that I have to live with. I doubt that inherent traits and instinctive behavior can be changed and even if I could I wouldn’t want to change my personality to an extent that I end up to be something I am not. I am great believer in learning from the past and as I always maintained there is only one thing in our existence that we have absolute control over barring unforeseen tragedy. That is the present. The past serves as the best tool for knowledge and experience. We have no control over what the future holds and attempts at predicting it is not only foolish but idiotic. The present is all that is there to be dealt with tangibly, clearly and precisely using every iota of intelligence and skills available complimented with the lessons of the past. This ensures a yesterday that one can be proud of, a today that can be made interesting and prepares one to face the tomorrow with confidence!!!
As for the Ryder my Wife left as a comment I see her point. It has not been easy on her but neither has it been on me. We have both contributed towards what happened and should take comfort that we can still communicate effectively and warmly without strangling each other on sight. If we are smart we should take those lessons very seriously and apply them in our live styles in whatever time is left for us on this Planet. We are better off apart and as close friends since we know each other so well. We tried to make it work twice and failed and as someone once told me making a mistake once is acceptable, twice can be forgiven but a third is lunacy. In our case the costs of failure though heavy at the time has fortunately not left serious scars in the psyche and is obvious to those who have known us over the last two decades that we look good and content now. So tell me why on earth fuck it up??????
Well, I don't really disagree with the opinion that marriage is unecessary, it is. But at the same time it is also different for women I think. Women (particularly in Asian countries) are taught to want marriage and an unmarried woman in the eyes of society is a useless one. I think also Daddy, in general women have a shorter shelf life in terms of desirability and there is the ever present issue of the biological clock. That is probably why most women push for marriage. It isn't wrong, but not completely right either. It all comes down to perception. How you see it, as a 52 yr old man who is still able to find love and relationships, and say a 52 yr old woman who will find it so much harder, especially if she has children from a previous marriage. Good post!
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