The three weeks

I came back to what I am now considering my home in Uswetakeiyawa, the half way home and fast becoming my home in the real sense of the word in Sri Lanka. I was made to feel so welcomed by the people in the village when I went for my evening walk. Something I had not done with any consistency while in the commercial hub of the country Colombo for what has been the better part of 8 months from July 2010. It was a wonderful feeling to walk down the familiar byways and lanes, some boiling hot and the others cool covered by the branches of the trees lining the edges of the boundary of the pathways.

There were the The Dixon's, The Manoj's , the Rose Akka’s, the Nalika Nangi's and Chandana Mallies, and an assorted bunch of characters depending on their age wo affectionately refer to me as the “ Kara bu Nati Mama, Aiyah or Malli ,( The Uncle, Elder Brother or young boy with the earring, the earring is my trade mark here ). What amazes me still is the fact that some of the kids still think I am a tourist from the hotel nearby frequented by Caucasians. I generally wear track suits and running shoes and this impression is firm in their minds. They invariably try to communicate with me in English. This in spite of the fact that I am frequently seen engaged in conversations in fluent Sinhalese with their Elders. It is very appealing to me.

I have grown very fond of this environment and find myself very comfortable with the people here better than I do with those of my own background in Colombo. Village life is something I was accustomed to some extend as a child and some how other there are characteristics that are hard to find in the towns and city's in this once paradise island of mine. Although I have only been exposed to the surroundings of Mary's Lane since July 2008 I find that I see when I am walking are similarities to what I recollect of the Town , Kotahena I was born in. Children playing cricket with wooden bats and rubber balls, Parents waiting for their off springs to return after their extracurricular activities and the conversations between neighbors across the street exchanging pleasantries or complaining about the prices of food or just plane gossip about the latest scandal to hit the neighborhood. There are also the occasional violent conflicts which are the result of long standing grudges and unfortunately some of them do result in death though I have never seen any incidences I have heard so. When I amble along I notice the state of the various gardens of the houses I pass and remember the state of the vegetation from the last walk. Very comforting and enhancing that deep sense of belonging. I love it here!

The last three weeks have been one hectic rush and full of tension with the only respite being the six days I enjoyed with my mother in Singapore from the 12th to the 18th of February. That was a memorable journey for me and I will post it separately. The result of the differences of opinions about what I should be doing as understood by my Sister versus my own insistence that I needed to now advance in my life and see a definite change in my circumstances to be productive at a level that I know I can achieve. Unfortunately the whole process of trying to explain this only resulted in bitter tirades and confrontations compounded by misrepresentations of events concerning me over the last few months. My final conclusion ? The people who claim to care about me the most seemed to be my biggest impediment for genuine progress and the typecast behavior of a Bi Polar was still the single association of me and anything I had done or anything I was attempting to convey in addressing issues that had to be resolved. It was depressing to say the least and even if I say so myself I have really come along away from what I was in 2008 ! I don't know how I found the strength and ability not to relapse and keep going with headstrong determination to establish my rights and needs and with a few compromises did achieve most of what I wanted.

The decision to come back to the half way home for a while was simple. My physician has advised me and I feel the need to recharge the batteries as it were. I need to rethink my life style so that my exercise routine and yoga practice occupy prime time in my day. My energy levels are depleted and they have to be restored quickly. This is the place to achieve these objectives and I have plenty of freedom and clout to demand that the Management accommodate my requests. Basing my self here and planing action for execution would be easily accomplished rather than my dissipating energies shifting residence on a short term basis or shuttling between Colombo and here. Overall it will be comfortable and will be ideal to allow for steady progress with a lot less stress than other options available to me right now. My objectives and ambitions on where are I want to see my self by the 31st of August remain the same but the methods will be modified.

Somebody had written recently, in context of the present situation in the Middle East quoting the physicist Max Planck who said, “Scientific theories don’t change because old scientists change their minds; they change because old scientists die.” In my context I interpret it thus... “ I don't think perceptions about me are likely to change easily and god forbid I don't want my family to die because I need them to change. They after all have supported me unstintingly thus far. I will change my methods to achieve what I want and pursue my dreams with the confidence I have acquired now about my ability. I don't intend to die in the process but live instead to see the skeptics acknowledge the change !”

Strange But True

As usual I start my post with the same excuse that I must not procrastinate!!! However as I am learning fast it is a reality. The problem is I like to write but I need to be inspired to get the creative juices going. Todays post was inspired by an email I sent to my psychiatrist which prompted to document a surreal event that occurred last night.

I was very depressed as it seemed like I was getting no where in terms of getting my immediate family to realize that what I had planned for was realistic and achievable and my Bi Polar disorder should't be an impediment to my ambitions. I hear all the time that people do live normal lives with this condition but in my case my support system which is primarily my Sister doesn't seem to think so. I try to explain but end up in arguments leading to comments that I am still unstable. What is sad is that how labels never can be removed in the eye of the beholder. And I have experienced this so many times I am getting used to it which frightens me as the only thing I am sure about is my ability to survive and overcome and if I loose that focus I will be nothing.

Anyway I am fortunate with all the problems that happen I am presently living in the lap of luxury at the Hilton Residency in the heart of Colombo Sri Lanka. To that extent my Sister never spares the expense to take care of my well being. What I guess she can't quite comprehend and I guess in retrospect is quite natural is why I can't accept that this the best I can get and why bother to look or aspire for more. Unfortunately that philosophy doesn't quite sit well with me as it goes against my funder mental nature and naturally I resent it. Anyway that is another subject for a another post. To get back to what happened last night.

I heard that there was a live band with a good reputation playing down stares and I thought lets go enjoy myself and get out of the room and the depressive feeling that was overwhelming me. changed into a smart casual outfit and contemplated dinner on my own and to just be and will myself not to think about the problems but actually hoping I might find some interesting company to dance and chat with.

The Bands' reputation was true. They were good. The sound was balanced and the music was early eighties and material I liked. I was relaxing looking around smoking and trying to see if there were any single ladies to pick up. I was half listening and taking in the scene as it were when suddenly I heard a favorite song of mine. I froze as I heard the familiar lyrics and the cold realization of what I was thinking about struck me. It was something I had completely dismissed from my mind for quite sometime and I felt terrified. I thought I was over her and finished with her in any emotional sense but the music and her image fixated in my mind and try as I might I couldn't stop the process and the inevitable conclusion that this was something that would continue to haunt me dawned.

I tried desperately to force and stop what I was thinking about, I looked at the others trying to see somebody I could approach, ask for a dance, have a drink so that I could be distracted.
Nothing worked ! I walked out to the side walk and lit up. My hands were trembling in probably the hottest season in town. The doorman looked concerned and I had to force a silly grin to assure him I was alright. paced up and down and tried to calm myself. I thought how come suddenly this woman came into my mind I had been very confident that it would never happen. What stupidity. I would never be able to forget her in the context I thought about her. What will I do do now ?

My nerves had settled down and I suddenly felt a sense of calm and contentment. I had to accept the truth. I have to also accept the reality that I will always think about her again like this !!! But let it be, I told myself I don't know stranger things have happened and if thinking about her is something that is going to happen regularly so be it, in what ever context, it makes me happy !

The song "You are all ways on my Mind" was sentimental and not quite the one I have in mind now, but it set the mood. The image was a picture that I took of probably one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met in my life, curled up like a kitten in a chair sleeping and I had just finished the longest Mobile call I can remember of one hour and twenty eight minutes and thirty three seconds just two hours and fifteen minutes ago with her!