THE LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER.

I was hoping to get my table today and put my room into some kind of order. But unfortunately the table wasn’t ready. So that was an excuse for me to do what I love doing; Procrastinate! In other words listen to music and do jack shit! I use the dining table as my work space now I have wired it to accommodate my electrical requirements. I have enough space to place all my equipment and a very comfortable chair plus the hall is very cool as there is a constant breeze when all the windows are opened. The endless stream of my landlord’s extended family have a habit of peeping from the door, I don’t care about it because they are young and curious, and they in turn don’t particularly care that I am in my underwear (when I mean underwear I am referring to Boxer shorts and nothing else) peering at my Computer completely absorbed in whatever I am doing. They wouldn’t dare come into the house. My landlord wrath is something they wouldn’t want to be subjected to!!!

I was browsing the net listening to Adkins and at the same time looking forward to my evening walk in the Mangroves to the Canal. My mind was preoccupied with the problems and heartaches I have caused my Serendipity of late. In my opinion we are so close and at the same time capable of hurting each other on trifles which in retrospect are so stupid. And we are supposed to be intelligent!!!! What a paradox!!!

The sounds when I am alone at home are so comforting, The noise of the vendors, the various conversations and asides that neighbors exchange on their way to and fro on the road, the occasional glance I am told which is cast towards my door way, this I was told by my Body guard, who takes his duties very seriously and a general noise level that is discernable in spite of the volume of my sound system.

I am jolted with a shriek that shatters the entire ambience with a voice that sounded vaguely familiar “Umbe Amatta Hukannawa Kari Vesige Putha!!!” The closest translation to English is “I will fuck your Mother you Cum prostitutes Son!!!” I rushed to the porch and see my landlord’s daughter chasing her four year old son on the playground opposite my home who is darting all around reminding me of Speedy Gonzales!!!! She is wearing a sarong which covers her body from breast to thighs, just had a bath; still wet I could see the contours of her body, very revealing and quite sexy chasing her son!!! I didn’t quite know whether I should admire this scenery, take a photograph or just laugh!!!!

I have known this Woman from 2008; she has always been a prim and proper absolutely classy lady. I always call her Madam and she is one of the many of my landlord’s off springs who ensures there is something extra every night at dinner. I watched this drama for some time before both Mother and Son got tired and retired hurt. Her parting shot before they both walked back to their home “I am going to tell you’re Father” This I had to see!!!!

The Father who drives a three wheeler came home late in the afternoon. The poor guy had a problem with a punctured tire and looked very tired when a shrill voice yelled at him “Me amata hukana Lamayek!!!”, “This is a mother fucking child!!!”. And the husbands Response;“Kuppiya Pawitche kerewe nathe Ai???”. “Why didn’t you use the condom???” The answer was classic “ Aye Yako umbe hithiwe hukanda witharai awila gahuwa kelimma kuppi thiya matta naanda dunne na. Echerata hadisiya!!!” The best translation I can conjure is “You devil all you thought was about a fuck, let alone the condom, you didn’t even let me have a bath you were in such a hurry!!!!”

I saw the Mother and the Son in the evening. He was vomiting and she was rubbing his chest gently and crooning words of affection to comfort him. I saw in this what my mother must have gone through when I was that age I believe and cried the whole night for no apparent reason. There is a saying in Tamil that Amma Passam or a Mother's compassion has no boundaries or limits! What came to my mind was the plight of the thousands of Mothers who have lost their children in conflicts all over the world and what they must be going through every day of their lives!

THE POTTY AND ME.

I did see the dawn of the day as I posted on the twenty fifth and went to sleep feeling so very content that yes I was free at last. I was listening to Yoga music and fell asleep. My apprehensions about living on my own again had disappeared and the sense confidence that I had been lacking for some time in my life restored.

Thinking about my life and what I went through and how I accepted challenges without fear and arrogance drifted through my mind while I was dozing off. Those thoughts have to be documented at another time. I don’t quite recollect how long I slept but I got up with an urgent need to go to the toilet.

I have a miner’s lamp in my possession which I wearily put on my head and very tentatively found my way to the bathroom. I don’t have a modern bathroom in my humble aboard it’s what is known as a squat system. I don’t mind that because I have been told by a very close friend of mine that squatting is the best way of getting rid of all the garbage we produce after we consume.

It was okay I did wash my ass with the water I had to carry into this toilet; it was a good motion and walked back to my room to continue with my disrupted sleep. It was not even a few minutes before the urge to go the toilet was apparent.

This time it was a loose motion!!!! I can’t remember how long I squatted because it was still dark and while I made my way back into the house (The toilet is in an outhouse) I was wondering why a loose motion!!! Anyway I thought I will try to sleep again. I was in for a surprise. My fucking system had decided to go overtime in the shit department!!!!!

I had two problems to deal with I was having a problem squatting, my knees were aching and my energy levels were getting depleted and I didn’t want to even call the half way home so that they would have the last word “You can’t live on your own, You shouldn’t have left!!!”

I woke up my Landlord and told him he had to help me and, this is why I respect him, In his words “Mahathayo mama me hema huthelage pukka hodala thiyanawa!!!!” Sir I washed all these cunts ass holes!!!!. For about three hours he escorted me to the toilet and baby sat me while I was basically shitting water!!!! He washed me escorted me back to my room and again went through the same process without a murmur or complaint.

By eight in the morning I thought my system would settle but it didn’t!!!!! I wasn’t shitting anything in the sense of the word, I was just passing water and boy was it frequent!!!!! I was practically living in the outhouse and my ass was burning!!!!!

Then came the real problem my landlord he had to leave me alone at home!!!!! One of his grandchildren was getting baptized!!!!! Like I said this man dotes on me and I will never forget how he touched my head and said shit where ever you want I will come and clean it up!!!!!!!

I had a problem with that this was my second day at my home and the rules of engagement as far as his grandchildren were concerned were not established!!! They have a habit of walking into the house whenever they feel like it and the last thing I wanted his grandchildren to see was me shitting in the hall and on top of which I was having a stomach cramp and the pain was unbearable. Fortunately I carry an assortment of drugs with me and I took a pain killer.

Suddenly I realized why I was having a loose motion. The half way home gives you a banana once a week after lunch. I had purchased a bunch of bananas the previous day ,about nine of them and I had been copiously eating them like a starving refugee!!! My whole fucking system was doing a cleaning act!!!! That comprehension helped to realize that I was not sick!!!! So I decided a cup of coffee was what I need and then the shit hit the fan!!!!!!

My Landlords eldest grandson was in my home and I needed to shit!!! I knew I wouldn’t be able to squat in the outhouse and I couldn’t possibly ask this twelve year old boy to wash my backside! I walked very carefully to the back of the house and for my bad luck the neighbor’s young daughter was picking flowers in her garden!!! Talk about timing and to cap it all she is enquiring as to how I am and wanted to find out my pedigree!!!!!!

I can’t quite remember what I mumbled but I saw a bucket grabbed it rushed to my room, close my door and squatted to let flow the biggest loose motion I have had in my life!!!!. I didn’t have water to wash, so I took an old T-Shirt and wiped my ass planning to worry about how to deal with it later!!!!

I used my make shift potty several times before my stomach finally settled. I was so exhausted and felt weak. Finally I just fell asleep. I got up after a few hours and my system had settled down. My Landlord was in the porch waiting for to get up as he had got some food for me. I ate what I could and wished him good night and slept till seven in the morning.

I felt good in the morning and asked my land lord to arrange for breakfast while I had a cup of coffee and congratulated myself that I had managed my first crisis without having to call on the half way home. It suddenly struck me that I hadn’t cleaned my potty and when I went to get it I howled with laughter. I had been using an old rusted tin with a lid mistaking it for a bucket!!!!