The combination of the tittle is the sequence of events. I had met Wife after a long time in circumstances that were not acrimonious, discussed the complicated topic of marriage with my Serendipity and the comment my Wife made on my posting of yesterday in that order. The post a result of my wanting to rationalize a Wife, Marriage and a Comment in context of where I am heading in my life and what I think now.
I met my Wife and enjoyed a pleasant evening with her and my Mother-In-Law. The range of topics was varied and I did feel that at last whatever the future holds it would be something without malice complemented with moments of serious acknowledgements of the ground realities and acceptance that being apart with identified common ground of contention was a solution. What was especially satisfying for me was there was a commitment that whatever we do should take into account of the interests of both us. In lite banter the cost of a divorce was tossed about, scenarios of how life would be, expectations and hopes etc., amongst many other topics dominated the lively conversation. It followed the trend I had set some time back in a telephone conversation with my Wife. My reasoning had been accepted and progress in our individual lives was evident. Stories and events that had happened and on going were exchanged. My Wife read my blog, the initial chapters of the book I am writing, commented on the blog and a delicious meal concluded proceedings.
My Serendipity had read my Wife’s comments and when we chatting the next day the topic naturally drifted to what had happened the previous evening and the subject of Marriage came up. Her rather idealistic view of the whole business wanted me to summarize twenty one years of Married life the second time. I really couldn’t! There is no magic potion that makes or breaks a marriage that I know of. The standard prerequisites that are glibly tossed around of compatibility, understanding, compromise and sacrifices are just the tip of the repository of phrases that I have come across in conversations with so many on this subject. Heck I have used them so often!
Once married, couples tend to forget why they did so in the first place. When romancing we tend to take the effort to reinforce love in a big way, taking time to find just the right place and ambience to pursue ardently the person who interests us. Invariably this nose dives in priority after a few years of signing the dotted line. Initially physical encounters are protected to ensure optimum fulfillment. Subsequently the phone rings or the children cry whenever the need arises!!! Birthdays celebrated with intimacy no longer counts. Being sexy and taking the effort to look attractive loses its importance since security is assumed by the legality of marriage, and guaranteed continuity presumed. Many forget that success require care, attention and nurturing. Somewhere down the line focus shifts and the quality of life together deteriorates. Before long boredom leads to either infidelity or some other distraction. I too at one time like my Serendipity was convinced by the image of successful marriages. Then I also learned both personally and from my observations what goes on behind the public facade. I should know I did the same not once but twice!
I now believe that if you have a lifelong affair with the one you love the chances are it will survive the test of time. In my case there were other problems but that is my conclusion after two failures. I don’t think I am the marrying kind and I should have lived in sin. Even though I hate to assume certainties in retrospect, I think had I done that I wouldn’t have hurt so many people. Finally apportioning blame for a joint failure is meaningless and the only statement that reflects my philosophy accurately is, It takes two to Tango!
My love affair with alcohol is not something that I am very proud of but neither is it something that I waste my time dwelling on. I have the made the effort and with the continuing reinforcement that I instill in myself daily, have at last achieved the balance to ensure that the bottle won’t be a problem for me anymore. So many years have now gone by and there is so much to be happy about and so much to cry about. Could things have been different if I was different?? I wouldn’t know. I am what I have become and that brings its own fortunes and misfortunes. Like it or not that is something that I have to live with. I doubt that inherent traits and instinctive behavior can be changed and even if I could I wouldn’t want to change my personality to an extent that I end up to be something I am not. I am great believer in learning from the past and as I always maintained there is only one thing in our existence that we have absolute control over barring unforeseen tragedy. That is the present. The past serves as the best tool for knowledge and experience. We have no control over what the future holds and attempts at predicting it is not only foolish but idiotic. The present is all that is there to be dealt with tangibly, clearly and precisely using every iota of intelligence and skills available complimented with the lessons of the past. This ensures a yesterday that one can be proud of, a today that can be made interesting and prepares one to face the tomorrow with confidence!!!
As for the Ryder my Wife left as a comment I see her point. It has not been easy on her but neither has it been on me. We have both contributed towards what happened and should take comfort that we can still communicate effectively and warmly without strangling each other on sight. If we are smart we should take those lessons very seriously and apply them in our live styles in whatever time is left for us on this Planet. We are better off apart and as close friends since we know each other so well. We tried to make it work twice and failed and as someone once told me making a mistake once is acceptable, twice can be forgiven but a third is lunacy. In our case the costs of failure though heavy at the time has fortunately not left serious scars in the psyche and is obvious to those who have known us over the last two decades that we look good and content now. So tell me why on earth fuck it up??????
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
FORTY EIGHT HOURS
I returned to the half way home after a two day stay in Colombo. I came back late in the afternoon yesterday and decided to have lunch in one of the wayside restaurants that populate the coast line in this area. I spent a very fruitful afternoon not only having a good lunch but also organizing the logistics for the weekend when my fellow students are due here to attend a joint study session before we sit for our exams next week. I returned to the half way home around four PM planning an easy evening and early night to recoup and get ready for the intensive study program I intend to commence from today.
I was accosted by a visibly agitated Doctor who had noted that I had returned to the half way home early in the afternoon and then subsequently gone out again. It transpired that he needed my services urgently to help him out with one of the Residents who had to be taken to hospital for the customary checkup before admission to the Halfway Home. I knew this Resident as he had been here before and much against the Doctor wishes discharged himself prematurely without completing his program. He was an Alcoholic!
I really was in no mood to take care of belligerent alcoholics familiar or otherwise and certainly didn’t want to spoil what had been a very pleasant stay in Colombo getting involved in the admission procedures of the Institute. Nevertheless I acquiesced very reluctantly and marched off to the Residents room prepared to use my rather intimidating powers of persuasion to ensure that this guy got ready pronto and went to hospital. The sight that greeted me made me pause and throttle the words I was about to deliver in anger. This was how I would have looked like in May 2010!!! Empathy took over and I quickly changed my tactics and eventually found myself accompanying the guy to the Hospital. So much for my relaxed evening!!!
The gist of what he conveyed to me was a familiar lament. The reasons equally uninspiring, the conclusions and results boringly identical. But my usual sarcastic one liners and wit was tempered with a feeling of Deja Vu and a cold feeling of realization of how this had happened to me not just once but on several occasions. The Consultant Doctor at the Hospital was a Psychiatrists I used for second opinions and I was able to quickly get the Resident attended to. My concern that there was risk of seizure due to withdrawals was put at rest and the Doctors rather bemused look as to what I was doing in Hospital dressed in what I refer to as my HADU outfits in Sinhalese, generally consisting of old T-Shirts with holes in strategic places and my trade mark crumpled track pants was replaced with a wink, when I explained that I hadn’t come to him for his opinion but due to the emergency at hand and I had progressed quite well, thank you, since I consulted him in February.
On the way back to the Home I was preoccupied with an analysis I had done when researching the best way to overcome alcoholism. There are those who seem to able to give up drinking without any repercussions or the issues that many of us go through when we are forced to accept that we have a drinking problem when things really hit rock bottom. They stop and stay away from the booze for the rest of their existence! Then there are those who manage to do so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs and after some trial and error end up leading lives of sobriety. Then there are the more troublesome cases such as mine that require hospitalization and a period of sanitization and repeated relapses before sobriety with occasional lapses is finally achieved. The last category are probably in the eyes of many the most incorrigible and often viewed with disdain and ridiculed by many who don’t have an alcoholic problem and cannot understand or comprehend how this can happen. They dismiss these individuals as not being strong willed and capable human beings!!! They don’t know or care to acknowledge that they might end up in the same boat one day! Life has a strange way of dealing off the deck.
Back in my room after finishing my work and listening to music, tired and exhausted I looked back at the last forty eight hours. It had been great. I had a pleasant evening the previous day, Saro read my blog and was the first to post a comment, my Mother-In-Law thought it was fabulous and I should get the material published but by far the best moment for me was the incident that occurred when I left the Doctors room at the Hospital. I couldn’t read the Doctors expression but his tone and the look conveyed subtleness in meaning that I have yet to comprehend. Looking at me straight in the eye he said “Thank you for taking care of my Patient! “ My re-joiner “No problems Doc! I have been there”, accompanied by a wry smile was followed with a tear drop from my eye!
I was accosted by a visibly agitated Doctor who had noted that I had returned to the half way home early in the afternoon and then subsequently gone out again. It transpired that he needed my services urgently to help him out with one of the Residents who had to be taken to hospital for the customary checkup before admission to the Halfway Home. I knew this Resident as he had been here before and much against the Doctor wishes discharged himself prematurely without completing his program. He was an Alcoholic!
I really was in no mood to take care of belligerent alcoholics familiar or otherwise and certainly didn’t want to spoil what had been a very pleasant stay in Colombo getting involved in the admission procedures of the Institute. Nevertheless I acquiesced very reluctantly and marched off to the Residents room prepared to use my rather intimidating powers of persuasion to ensure that this guy got ready pronto and went to hospital. The sight that greeted me made me pause and throttle the words I was about to deliver in anger. This was how I would have looked like in May 2010!!! Empathy took over and I quickly changed my tactics and eventually found myself accompanying the guy to the Hospital. So much for my relaxed evening!!!
The gist of what he conveyed to me was a familiar lament. The reasons equally uninspiring, the conclusions and results boringly identical. But my usual sarcastic one liners and wit was tempered with a feeling of Deja Vu and a cold feeling of realization of how this had happened to me not just once but on several occasions. The Consultant Doctor at the Hospital was a Psychiatrists I used for second opinions and I was able to quickly get the Resident attended to. My concern that there was risk of seizure due to withdrawals was put at rest and the Doctors rather bemused look as to what I was doing in Hospital dressed in what I refer to as my HADU outfits in Sinhalese, generally consisting of old T-Shirts with holes in strategic places and my trade mark crumpled track pants was replaced with a wink, when I explained that I hadn’t come to him for his opinion but due to the emergency at hand and I had progressed quite well, thank you, since I consulted him in February.
On the way back to the Home I was preoccupied with an analysis I had done when researching the best way to overcome alcoholism. There are those who seem to able to give up drinking without any repercussions or the issues that many of us go through when we are forced to accept that we have a drinking problem when things really hit rock bottom. They stop and stay away from the booze for the rest of their existence! Then there are those who manage to do so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and similar programs and after some trial and error end up leading lives of sobriety. Then there are the more troublesome cases such as mine that require hospitalization and a period of sanitization and repeated relapses before sobriety with occasional lapses is finally achieved. The last category are probably in the eyes of many the most incorrigible and often viewed with disdain and ridiculed by many who don’t have an alcoholic problem and cannot understand or comprehend how this can happen. They dismiss these individuals as not being strong willed and capable human beings!!! They don’t know or care to acknowledge that they might end up in the same boat one day! Life has a strange way of dealing off the deck.
Back in my room after finishing my work and listening to music, tired and exhausted I looked back at the last forty eight hours. It had been great. I had a pleasant evening the previous day, Saro read my blog and was the first to post a comment, my Mother-In-Law thought it was fabulous and I should get the material published but by far the best moment for me was the incident that occurred when I left the Doctors room at the Hospital. I couldn’t read the Doctors expression but his tone and the look conveyed subtleness in meaning that I have yet to comprehend. Looking at me straight in the eye he said “Thank you for taking care of my Patient! “ My re-joiner “No problems Doc! I have been there”, accompanied by a wry smile was followed with a tear drop from my eye!
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