One of the reasons I started writing the other side of the coin in August 2008 was to record the perception I was viewed by those around me and in turn how I viewed them. This lead to the concept of using these perceptions as the foundation to writing and in my view an ideal medium to document 50 odd years of my existence on this Planet. This blog came much later almost a year after in 2009 and until very recently very little was done with it. Initially I was hoping to use the blog to publish my book but I dropped that idea very quickly and opted to use a free web host for my book and structure my blog differently. This is what I have been doing of late and I have been posting more regularly.
Anyway my views and those of others about me since 2005 when I was diagnosed as Bi Polar hasn't changed over the last six odd years. The conclusion I had drawn that no matter how hard I tried I would always be perceived as Bi Polar and whatever I did wouldn't make a difference in perceptions about me, was a bloody depressing reality. When I think of the murmurous occasions I have fought trying to change these perceptions I am amazed at my own tenacity. I had also very unfortunately and stupidly resigned myself to this and very uncharacteristically of me come to accept this. This goes to shows at least to me, especially now, how perceptions can be so obnoxiously misleading and fixated in your thought process.
This point was driven home in the last week of January, early February this year when a new comer was invited to the half way home to observe the workings of the Institute with a view to join as a Trainee Counselor when she completed her Degree. My initial reactions to her presence were one of indifference when I first saw her sitting at the reception area. I assumed she was a visitor to the Institute. The next day I saw her standing outside the office when I was going for my morning walk dressed in a Sari watching the female Residents doing their morning exercises. Something clicked at that time. I wanted to get to know her. My behavior was observed by one of the Counselors who I remember giving me a knowing glance! I can still remember the feeling of excitement the view I had of this new comer invoked.
Subsequently I found out that she would be here for two weeks.I approached her with a comment about her name which I deliberately mixed up with a catchy Tamil nick name of a hit film of some fame which I had watched on numerous occasions as a child and enjoyed the peels of unbridled laughter it provoked. This encounter quickly developed in my sharing what I had written so far on my book and the collections of short stories for her comments. Her observations had an impact and I found the inspiration I needed to focus and start getting back to writing again which I had neglected for quite some time now.
Once we had started talking to each other regularly she told once that in the morning discussions that are a part of the staff and management every day at the Home that when asked to commented on the subject as to who she found most interesting at the home she chose me. I was riled. Quite frankly I think I am much more than interesting, my antics in this Institute are stuff that legends are made off! In any case boy have I proved her so wrong! What was even more annoying was that it was I who had initiated contacted as I wanted to find out more about her. "Me relegated to interesting! Huh!" I remember thinking. Little did I know then I too was in for a shock and about to end up with my Serendipity.
It was around this time I was once again getting pretty tired off the fact that everybody I had come into contact with ended up with same conclusion as to my behavior being caused by Bi Polar that I thought to myself why don’t I sound her off as to what she thought? My logic was impeccable she had seen me for less than a week and I had shown her my writings and spoken to her at length about myself and maybe this time I would get a more balanced perspective? I was extremely disappointed that she had the same opinion as everybody else! But this galvanized me and prompted me to do something about it.
The seven months preceding her arrival to the Institute had been really tough on me. I was in a catch 22 situation with the assignment I had undertaken to asses my skill levels to see how I would be able to reintegrate myself back into the IT field. Unfortunately circumstances didn’t quite allow me to explore my potential and had I started bitching about the issues I was facing I would have sounded extremely ungrateful and resulted in hurting people who actually cared about me. It is all about the perceptions I live with and am living with daily. I couldn't express anything to anybody. I couldn't even get a chance to see my psychiatrist alone. The only time I indicated I wanted to do so ended up in a misunderstanding. I was getting right royally screwed. The assumptions everybody was were making were so out of whack and I couldn’t get my point of view across! This naturally resulted in behavior on my part leading to the conclusion that I am incapable of handling work or any other responsibility which in turn fuelled a further buildup of my frustration and no avenue to vent my emotions! All I knew was that I was on a high dosage of drugs and had no choice and resigned myself to accepting it, which was very conveniently interpreted as the treatment was working! Inside I was seething! I finally blew a fuse and went to a Physician for an opinion. He looked at the high dosage of the drugs I was on and to use his own words opined “allowed but high!!!! “ I am awaiting my blood reports on the 14th of March with trepidation!
The seven months of shuttling between Colombo and the half way home was also telling on me. I was going through a major identity crisis with no place to really call my own and not having the space to just be on my own. I was unable to function without depending on circumstances and other people to do anything meaningful. This is something I abhor! I like to start my day knowing that I can finish achieving all my objectives within the time frame I set for myself. The half way home was probably the best alternative under the circumstances but at that time it was also not fully geared to cater to my requirements and a lot of what I had planned had to be postponed pending my Sisters arrival in Sri Lanka on the 6th of February 2011. On top of this I was involved in all kinds of liaisons; fortunately I didn’t get into any serious trouble because of them.
I used to walk in to the reception area of the office here in the morning and be very cheerful and pleasant. Flirting with the female staff, joking and generally being extremely exuberant and full of life when I started my day. I have good reason for this. When I first came to stay at the half way home I was one arrogant, obnoxious SOB. When I think about it now I feel repulsed at the way I behaved. But over a period of time I started looking at people around me rather differently and there were some fundamental changes that occurred in my perception and attitudes! It didn’t take me that long to realize that I was just being a jackass and was capable of much more by just being human. Considering the arrogance with which I conducted myself and fear I commanded at the Institute I wasn't surprised when I got to know that the Psychologist had wanted me sent away from here wondering if I would commit some insane act! Thanks to the close bond I had built up with the Doctor in charge here and my relationship with him apart from the fact that we were very close to each other that nobody could even dare contemplate such a course of action! At some point in time I realized that considering what some of the other Residents had gone through in life and what they were still going through it didn’t really cost that much to be pleasant. The difference was astonishing! For once without insulting the staff I used inquire how they were to complement them on their looks! Tell me a Woman who doesn't like it! This had a few draw backs because you couldn't be overtly concentrating on one Woman and we had five at one time and the one who I used to hate at the height of my antisocial state of mind was not only pretty but finally ended up being very close to me because I changed my attitude and behavior towards her !!!!
Unfortunately this exuberance was perceived as a Bi Polar symptom, in other word I was in a mood swing in the manic state of a high!!!! This didn’t bother me much till this new bloody Woman joined the club! I am by nature a talkative person and because of the nature of my thinking I switch subjects fast and furiously and I tend to be overbearing. That is a social skill I have to address not a mental imbalance that drugs are going to cure!
On the day in question I breezed through the reception on my way out for my walk, acknowledged everybody’s existence with a curt good morning, came back in thirty odd minutes and ignoring everybody proceeded to my room. I do not exaggerate when I state that the new comer was in my room in a flash and I will never forget the look and concern on her face when she queried “are you alright? “. I felt great and replied “of course I am, I will explain later!” The all-important perception this time? I was depressed!!! When I did explain why I did what I did, she called me manipulative and pointed out that I was hiding the real me from people. In my book I changed a wrong perception of a person who mattered to me and what was important, it bloody well worked!!!
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