FREEDOM AT MIDNIGHT

I am listening to a song from a Tamil Movie that I watched recently and enjoying my first night of freedom from the half way home on my own! Though I tried to get my life back together twice, I failed miserably! Finally I decided I will do it my way and take my chances.

I went for a walk to the beach late in the evening and had a dip! I have a body guard who wants to learn about computers in return for his services to protect and take care of me! I have posted elsewhere that I love this village!!! This is one of the reasons why!!! Oh Boy was it refreshing to have a sea bath at dusk. I came back and had a bath with well water. Now that’s what I call living!!! The last time I did that was at my Aunts place (Fathers Sister) when I was a kid. I had rested in the afternoon and wanted to see the new day in at midnight. The air is sultry, my room is a mess but I feel very much that I am at my home now and feel a sense of belonging that had been missing for some time in my life. My mattress is comfy and my sound system is up and running. My Landlord who is ten years my senior dotes on me and has assured me of fried fish every evening to supplement my dinner.

I was to leave the home tomorrow but the need to get out of the home was so compelling I packed my worldly possession (a lot of it junk that I have accumulated over three years) and left to greet the 26th of June from my new residence. Before my late evening loaf I was getting acclimatized to my new place, finding out where light switches, power points etc. It was fun to go buy my dinner in the night and have some coffee before eating. Subsequently it was entertaining to sit on the porch and gossip with my neighbors about subjects ranging from politics to personal issues. The way the conversations were conducted were hilarious with my Landlord making it very clear that nobody should come and disturb me unless he gives them permission. I am technically supposed to only have a room here but I have the whole house to myself. He is right now sleeping outside while I am sitting at the dining table listening to Mika and writing!!!

It is almost midnight now and its pleasant, I am contemplating a cup of coffee and a snack when I thought of a person I considered an elder brother to me, the late Rajan Bala. In my opinion, he was probably the most well informed Journalist as far as Cricket, Cricketing and Cricketers were concerned. Being a voracious reader he was also very knowledgeable and one of the most interesting characters I have had the privilege of knowing. I have spent many a memorable moment especially during cricket matches when he used to stay with me, while on assignment covering them.

He once remarked how Jawaharlal Neru, Independent India’s first Prime Minister, treated Members of his Cabinet when he wanted to make a point. Apparently these meetings were held in a room in the Prime Ministers Residence and they all used to sit on the floor, I am sure on luxurious carpets, and the great man used to throw a cushion at any member who showed signs of disagreeing with him. How true this is I don’t know I am just quoting Rajan as narrated to me by him!

Recollecting this ended up by my thinking of Nehru’s famous speech, a Tryst with Destiny, when India gained independence. An extract came to mind; “At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom.”

I can’t and don’t want to wake up anybody, not even my Landlord, or for that matter anybody in my village, forget the Country, at this ungodly hour. Its so quiet and everybody is a sleep!! All I know is I have got my freedom in the real sense of the word and after so long I feel alive and content!!!!

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAWN OF A DAY

It is exactly One Year one month and four days and god knows how many minutes; let’s forget the seconds, since the day I was admitted to hospital after my love affair with alcohol ensured that my regular room at the hospital was to become my home again.

It’s the dawn of a day after all that I post this today. I went to sleep early but somehow other the need to write woke me up. The mixed emotions of yesterday when after a long time that I reacted to a situation that was compounded from the time I successfully completed my exam to the events that have unfolded since and the situations I have been subject to leaves me with a sense of sadness that will take a long time to come to terms with.

I have written about perceptions about me in this blog and how the label that I am branded with distorts the opinion of those who claim to care about me, affects me. Today I think I realize how the culmination of all this hurts.

I consider myself an easy going person who can suffer abuse both emotionally and physically without too much of a hassle. You know what? I can’t!!! I now know that those I trust betray me, not in any material sense, but expected me to fail or that I am so sick and probably would fail!!!

Trust in those who claim to care about you and reinforce that feeling of security was something I assumed and dependent on was the most important thing to to me and like a moron I assumed this was gospel truth. I was so wrong!!!! There is so much more to my expectations than that. But I live and learn daily!!

In a lighter vein since I have to look at the funny side, if I had not succeeded in my endeavor to get my act together, decided I am going to live a fulfilled life again and do something with whatever time I have left in this planet and instead screwed it up everybody would have breathed a sigh of relief. They could have very well have had the last laugh and told me very condescendingly we told you so. Unfortunately I have fucked the whole plan up!!! How bloody inconvenient!

Look at it I have not sat for a competitive exam since ninety two, according to those who claim to know better at this age I will only end up with a worse depression when I fail. After all a Bi Polar ex-alcoholic, fifty three years old, wouldn't be able to retain what I am taught or have the discipline to follow a course let alone successfully complete and oh my gosh pass the exam ??? You know I was just lucky. The deity of intelligence and knowledge decided to bless me at that time with his or her benevolence (I don’t know the sex of the deity who intervened) and guided me and provided me the answers to my question paper. I never did attend a grueling course or for that matter study you see!!! Of course I did visit the temple before my exam after donkey’s years and my prayers were answered. That should explain everything!!!!

I know of quite a few people who also visited all the temples in this country and who are half my age and flunk competitive exams. Some even according to what I have read committed suicide when the results were declared. What a bloody nuisance I have become.

But in all this there is, to use her words solace, in my Serendipity who was one of the first to encourage me and have faith that I would excel and I wouldn’t fail. Of course the other is my Mother who always believed in me. The former is twenty two and the latter is eighty eight, years of age. I am lucky I have them in my life!!!