It is exactly One Year one month and four days and god knows how many minutes; let’s forget the seconds, since the day I was admitted to hospital after my love affair with alcohol ensured that my regular room at the hospital was to become my home again.
It’s the dawn of a day after all that I post this today. I went to sleep early but somehow other the need to write woke me up. The mixed emotions of yesterday when after a long time that I reacted to a situation that was compounded from the time I successfully completed my exam to the events that have unfolded since and the situations I have been subject to leaves me with a sense of sadness that will take a long time to come to terms with.
I have written about perceptions about me in this blog and how the label that I am branded with distorts the opinion of those who claim to care about me, affects me. Today I think I realize how the culmination of all this hurts.
I consider myself an easy going person who can suffer abuse both emotionally and physically without too much of a hassle. You know what? I can’t!!! I now know that those I trust betray me, not in any material sense, but expected me to fail or that I am so sick and probably would fail!!!
Trust in those who claim to care about you and reinforce that feeling of security was something I assumed and dependent on was the most important thing to to me and like a moron I assumed this was gospel truth. I was so wrong!!!! There is so much more to my expectations than that. But I live and learn daily!!
In a lighter vein since I have to look at the funny side, if I had not succeeded in my endeavor to get my act together, decided I am going to live a fulfilled life again and do something with whatever time I have left in this planet and instead screwed it up everybody would have breathed a sigh of relief. They could have very well have had the last laugh and told me very condescendingly we told you so. Unfortunately I have fucked the whole plan up!!! How bloody inconvenient!
Look at it I have not sat for a competitive exam since ninety two, according to those who claim to know better at this age I will only end up with a worse depression when I fail. After all a Bi Polar ex-alcoholic, fifty three years old, wouldn't be able to retain what I am taught or have the discipline to follow a course let alone successfully complete and oh my gosh pass the exam ??? You know I was just lucky. The deity of intelligence and knowledge decided to bless me at that time with his or her benevolence (I don’t know the sex of the deity who intervened) and guided me and provided me the answers to my question paper. I never did attend a grueling course or for that matter study you see!!! Of course I did visit the temple before my exam after donkey’s years and my prayers were answered. That should explain everything!!!!
I know of quite a few people who also visited all the temples in this country and who are half my age and flunk competitive exams. Some even according to what I have read committed suicide when the results were declared. What a bloody nuisance I have become.
But in all this there is, to use her words solace, in my Serendipity who was one of the first to encourage me and have faith that I would excel and I wouldn’t fail. Of course the other is my Mother who always believed in me. The former is twenty two and the latter is eighty eight, years of age. I am lucky I have them in my life!!!
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