THE IDES OF MARCH.

The first thing that I associated with the Month of March was the Soothsayers warning of the impending death of Julius Caesar, the caption of this post. There is another which describes the arrival of spring and the promise of the four leaf clover. In my childhood I have on many an occasions searched for this elusive mutation of the abundant three leaf variety and never had any success or for that matter ever seen one!!

My visit to India was the only highlight and memorable of the first two months of this year. Two events of some significance occurred in January. My Mother gifted me a four leaf clover! This is the first time in my life I had seen one, let alone become a proud owner. Another was a gift from my aunt, that of a silver ring of Lord Ganesh, a Hindu deity, the Elephant God. The circumstances under which this ring ended up in my possession are so bizarre that I still find it hard to believe!!! Unfortunately I cannot narrate the story as it would I was told, negate any positive vibes this ring would bestow upon me.

I have been distracted and preoccupied with a sequence of events from September last year. The situation overwhelmed me so much and my physical well being had deteriorated to such a dangerous level that I had to be hospitalized in December. I returned back to the half way home to recover both physically and mentally. Incidentally the hospital now offers a ten percent discount on my bill in keeping with my status as a regular!!!!

I intend to write about these events in the future but for the moment I need to ensure that I occupy myself productively. My recovery thus far has been slow but steady and I have commenced a daily evening walk on the beach and at last find myself fit enough to spend a good forty five minutes a day covering approximately one and half miles. My appetite has improved and the weight I had lost during my stay alone away from the half way home is back to where it was in June last year.

The problem is I am so distracted and procrastination still seems to be a major hurdle to overcome. So I have designed a time table to ensure that my interest in music and writing will be pursued daily. I sincerely hope this schedule will ensure discipline so that there will a tangible output at the end of every day.

I have at last got a resume ready; it is time for me to find a job! My need for interaction with a broader spectrum of society has become essential. It will also be a stimulant for writing as there is so much happening in my Country at this point in time and being away from the action, so to speak, is not in my best interest. I need to be away from my village, which I have outgrown. It should only be a sanctuary of retreat for rest and recreation. The time has come for me to seek a far more fulfilling personal and professional life.

My Serendipity is going through her own headaches and my being isolated in this part of the Country doesn’t auger well for the two of us. We are heavily dependent on each other for support and that is something else we need to address and resolve. Both of us have to find some stability and security so that whenever the occasion demands, support can be depended upon.

I am one year older and at fifty four I should have achieved a lot more. Fortunately my Bi Polar is in remission and hopefully the cocktail of drugs I take can be reduced. I have thus far avoided contemplating the long term side effects of these drugs. Unfortunately I am surrounded by medical professionals both relatives and outsiders whose thinking doesn’t allow for non-drug methods of treatment as an alternative and a complementary process to drugs. Against these odds it is very difficult for me and the enormous burden on my thinking and functioning is demoralizing to say the least.

On the first of January this year I made only one resolution. I am heavily dependent on so many people that it is becoming frustrating, demeaning and most significantly impacting my dignity, self-worth and confidence. These emotions have gradually accentuated from the time the half way home became my domicile from July two thousand and eight. It will soon be four years since I first came to the half way home. The periods I have been away from the half way home, about one and a half years, were not successful. The pervasive influence of these experiences has left scars that will take a long time to obliterate and heal.

The resolution? The time has come to monetize my talents and get back what has been chipped away at over these years. The crutches have to be discarded! A personality overhaul, resurrection of my skills, talents and self-confidence the only goal! Come the twelfth of January next year when I am fifty five I intend to achieve it. Age is catching up and time is running out. It is now or never!!!!