THE OTHER SIDE OF MY VILLAGE.

I have over the last few weeks been an observer of individuals of my village hence this delay in posting. As in any socially intertwined relationships, there is also a very disturbing aspect of the people I have got to know and grown very fond of over the past few months.

Their sincerity and candor when they talk to me is something that has affected me deeply. They do not hide their problems, very quick to admit their mistakes and acknowledge their inability to deal with some of the issues they face on a daily basis.

Alcoholism is an accepted norm of life by spouses and drug addiction of children by Parents. The generation gap is very evident as more and more of the youngsters find themselves confused as to what should be a role model to follow. They do not have the prerequisites to aspire for a better future! The Parents do not know what they should do either!

Every known problem exists here and sadly, the religious institutes are too busy sermonizing and so involved in getting their coffers filled! Their only preoccupation? Make sure that they enjoy all the known creature comforts necessary to communicate with God! Who cares as to what the flock goes through to make ends meet! The system that is supposed to take care of the problems has other headaches! They are busy protecting the powerful and penalizing the poor who are finally the victims of a social system that has gone completely out of sync with its people!

I have spent a good part of the last six months mingling with every known social stratum in my village. They are hardworking, very conscious of the importance of education and try to find every avenue to ensure that their offspring’s get a better opportunity than they did. The schools teach rubbish or are closed half the time; the teachers are incompetent at best and use a curricular that is irrelevant to the present context of society and hardly relevant to the twenty first century! I found this out when I started spoken English classes for my landlord’s grandchildren. Of course, there are a handful of Parents who can afford private tuition, the majority cant.

Soon I will have to leave the village and I know it is going to be heart breaking for me! My desire to start using my talent and experience and getting back to the IT industry is something that I need to do and it will be difficult to pursue that line of interest here. The infrastructure is expensive to set up and I will have to get closer to Colombo so that travelling to work will not be a hassle. But I have also got a couple of tricks up my sleeve and one of them just might work allowing me to enjoy both the village and pursuing my career that I was trained for!

EXISTENTIALISM

Existentialism is defined as a philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experiences in a hostile or in a different universe. There is also a different perceptive; human existence is unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts. I believe in that very vehemently!!!

I look at a world and I am terrified!!! I am not worried about myself but I wonder if the so called leaders have a clue as to what they should do before another calamity happens. Everybody seems to forget that there is a younger generation that will inherit our legacy and we have to make sure they get a heritage that can be carried forward to the next generation.

Classified as an existentialist I wonder what I could do towards the young of my country???? There is very little I can do!!! But I made the first steps by adopting my Serendepity. She carries my surname very proudly when she identifies herself!!! That gives me so much of satisfaction.

Now to get back to the point; I carry all the characteristics of what Hans Ensyke’s personality theory defines. I am an Extrovert, an Introvert, Neurotic and Stable. This is something that I didn’t know!! A personality analysis makes me a very complex person!!

There are days when I am extremely extrovert, then there are others when I am an introvert, then I get neurotic and when the situation demands I am stable!!!! I handle the most troublesome problem with poise, confidence and authority!!!

An example; whenever I go out on a journey I make sure my computer my sound system are all packed up in my bag and it is really ridiculous!! I do this even if I go on a short journey!! To unplug all my devices takes a good half hour and everything is meticulously packed!! The joke is when I come back home I can’t remember where which part of the various cables etc. are stored!!! It takes me another one hour to find them and another to connect everything so that I can check my mail or get on Skype!!! I am still trying to figure out the why of this behavior!!!

I believe now I am an eccentric person with odd ball behavior and what makes me happy is the realization that I can live with it!!! What makes it even more comfortable is that my village understands it and respects it!!! It’s been a very long time since I have had this feeling!!!!

THE FEAST

From July 2008 my life revolved around the half way home with respites with my Wife and my best buddy. As I have written elsewhere it was only on the 25th of June this year that I took the decision to live on my own and that too in a very humble abode.

I don’t have a bed, I sleep on a mattress, the room I have is small and I share my life with a sixty three year old man , my Landlord, who takes care of me better than anybody I have ever known for some time!!! He ensures that nothing apart from making me feel wanted and ensuring both my wellbeing and security are guaranteed.

We listen to music of his era, we talk politics, he gives me fried fish and when on occasion has one too many reminisces about the good old days of his child hood and the Woman he married when he was just twenty years old. She was also of the same age and they have been together for forty three years!!!

The village has a feast every year which is a tradition that I was able to witness and participate in for the first time even though I have been living in this area for a better part of the last four years. The preparation and the effort that this occasion demands are fascinating to say the least!!! The whole village contributes to raising a forty foot tall flag pole on which a cross is mounted. The process is something one must witness to understand the emotion. This in spite of the fact that half the population of the village aren’t even Christians!!!

The tradition of a flag pole was initiated by my Landlord and three others several years ago. He is the only surviving member of this pack and what was used was a tree trunk that was not even eight feet tall and wasn’t illuminated or decorated. A benefactor of the village then funded a flag pole made out of steel around nine years ago, and the tradition has been firmly engrained in the young to ensure it is continued every year.

The sections of the flag pole are brought to the playground and the young assemble it and the elders raise it when the designated day dawns and the feast commences. The Church which commemorates this occasion officially gets loudspeakers installed all around the village to sermonize every night and ensure the Pastor of the day gets his voice heard till ten PM and none of the priests ever visits to bless the Flagpole!!! That is done by an electrician who wires the system to illuminate the Cross!!! The Church is too busy demanding donations and can’t be bothered!!!

The sense of unity at this time is very obvious, sworn enemies forget grievances, children gather to play together and there is an air of joy that the young and old enjoy together. The climax is on the first Sunday after the flagpole is raised when each home in the village prepares sumptuous meals to be distributed and shared!!!

It is a fascinating social phenomenon that I have had the privilege of participating in. To me it was even more special as my Landlady stayed at my home and the sense of a family that I had become a part was so evident not only to me but to everybody who visited my home!!! My Mother is not in Sri Lanka My father passed way so many years ago and I have been drifting in my life for so long. I am very lucky to have experienced and be a part of the feast!!! It’s wonderful to belong to and live amongst them!!!!

THE RESIDENT AND I.

I have been living on my own for over two months now and with some occasional apprehensions done pretty well. There are the moments of insecurities especially when I think about the fact that I am not insured and in the event of sickness what would I do??? But overall touch wood (I mean my head) chugging along like an old steam locomotive!!!

The half way home has been trying to get me involved with doing work for them without the all important factor of making sure that I get paid!!! They keep calling me on some pretext or the other and I used to go there just to keep in touch with a couple of Residents whom I had established a close bond with to meet them. But it was obvious that their only motive was to get work done by me for free. So it was them trying and my dodging till my Serendipity gave me a sound piece of advice. “Just be unavailable and wait for them to realize your value!!!” I did just that!!! And out of blues I got a call asking me to come over and help out with a Resident who needed confidence boosting and propose a program for which I was to be paid!!!!

So I did just that. I went for an assessment of the Resident and found that he was an extremely nervous person and lacked the ability to believe that he could face society ever again. This was a challenge for me and I could empathize with him as I too went through a similar process for over three years before I met my Serendipity and as stated elsewhere in this blog was the reason why I made up my mind to chart out a life away from the home.

I have never been trained to teach the Mentally Ill or possess qualifications to do so!!! I only have my own aptitude of natural teaching skills since for me sharing knowledge is a pleasure and all my students I have had the privilege of teaching have shined both academically and professionally. The incredible high I get when I see the sparkle in the eyes of a student when they comprehend and understand what you’re talking about is unique. Also students if encouraged to question really keep you on your toes and that ensures that you do the necessary leg work to keep yourself well informed.

I prepared a program, stated my charges, found out about the medical situation about the Resident and insisted that I meet the Parents before I agreed to undertake the assignment. The parents were very happy and I went to the home today to commence the first of four classes to test if the Resident could comprehend and retain information to sit for an exam.

The Resident’s knowledge of the English Language is excellent so my purpose was just to test his comprehension. I was in for a shock!!!! That was not his problem!!! He had an insecurity about only one thing!!! If he would ever get out of the half way home and be able to lead a normal life!!!!

This revelation fucked me upside down!!! I had come to do something else and I had to now deal with a situation that I was not prepared for!!!!! I recovered fast and changed the whole trend. I started by asking him what he wanted to know about me. In between his questions I referred to the fact that I had been a Resident like him for over three years and its only just over two months that I have been living alone, assured him that he will be able to get out here and his Parents weren’t going to ditch him!!!

I got him to write what he faced on a daily basis and what he could do. I found out that he could use a computer and allowed him to surf the net on my Lap Top. The home wanted to get some letters typed (I was going to get paid for that) so I told him that I would meet him tomorrow and he would use my Laptop learn anything he needed on word processing and print the letters.

He was worried that what he had written in his note book would be disclosed. I took it and put in my bag and told him “only the two of us will know. We will share the fee for the work. Tomorrow I will inform your Parents that we are going to have ice cream and go to the beach!!” The look on his face said it all!!! I feel great!!!!

THE DANCE

I had just returned from my evening walk, had a bath and sitting in my porch, enjoying the breeze watching the evening Volley Ball game in the playground. These games are pretty serious, the village want to field a team for an inter village competition. The atmosphere can get quite tense especially if a player fucks up and the ball changes sides.

I noticed a woman standing near my fence and she was smiling at me. I couldn’t quite place her till I suddenly realized she was a Woman I meet during my walks. I have met her occasionally at the Grocery Store. I beckoned her to join me on the porch. She obliged and we started a conversation. She works at the Super market close by. I enjoyed the company. My Landlord had gone fishing and I was waiting for my daily dose of fried fish and what better way to spend time than talking with this Woman.

She was pretty, light tanned skin, a few extra pounds and very vivacious. I can’t recollect what we spoke about but the conversation was lively and it was a debate on the present political situation. She had been the Captain of her school debate team and was extremely well informed. It was fun and I enjoyed the conversation and as usual even though I agreed with her point of view chose a contradictory position.

My Landlord returned while this rather animated conversation was taking place. He had been very successful and had almost a Kilo of fish. I invited her to join me to taste my Landlords culinary talents and offered her coffee, she gladly accepted. My Landlord doesn’t know much about cooking in general but he does wonders with oil, salt and chili powder and what he dishes out is absolutely delicious. Not even his daughter can beat him at this.

She asked me if I would like to join her at a friend’s place that night as there was a party and she wanted a partner. I readily accepted. On enquiring as to what the dress code was she told me to wear whatever I liked as this was just a few close friends who met once in a way to enjoy themselves. I was elated it been sometime since I had gone for a party and was ready by nine when she came to escort me. It was a five minute walk from home.

It was a lovely place, very warm, cozy and I met people whom I have bumped into when I walk around my village and at last I was able to put names to faces. The music was really good. A mixture of English and Sinhala pop songs with an occasional Tamil song thrown in for good measure. I was wearing my trademark outfit of track suite pants, T-Shirt and running shoes.

She invited me to dance and I readily agreed. The last time I danced was when I was in India in December 2010. It has been some time since I have danced holding a woman so close. She was very nimble and was a natural. We didn’t talk much but just enjoyed the closeness and occasionally mixing it with lively movements when the music changed.

The DJ decided to play a new song that had made it in the local charts. This was the latest release of a band that made it big in Sri Lanka in 2009. I love this song; it is fast, furious, and the words are hilarious. It was described by a friend of mine in Sinhala as “Oluwak Nathi, Kakulak Nathi Madak Nathi Vikarayak habe hit ekkak” (No Head, No Tail, No middle madness and a hit) These guys as far as I know are the only band in my country that sing songs where a phrase in the lyrics have absolutely no connection with either the preceding or the one following!!!

I was in full flow and started my imitation of the Elvis Presley’s jig with his legs. I had added my own style which involved quite a lot leg movement with absolutely no connection to the way my arms moved. I had made an impression!!! My Partner was trying her darndest to keep up and finally gave up and watched my movements with amazement. Everybody was staring at me and I am sure they thought I was bonkers!!!

I am not quite sure how long I danced when suddenly my left leg cramped up!!!! The pain was unbearable!! I don’t know what I croaked but my partner was quickly by my side putting her arms under my shoulder. I was bending while she kept her grip on me. I was trying to remember what I learned during swimming classes when I was a kid to get rid of a cramp. I was trying to figure out which direction to turn my leg when I realized I was staring down my partners chest, she was braless and had one of the sexiest tits I had seen in quite a while. Protruding brown nipples, and absolutely firm. I had managed to turn my leg in the correct direction, and the pain had disappeared. But I had a more serious problem.

I was having a huge hard on and had not worn underwear!!!! If I stood up everybody would have noticed it!!! I feigned pain and crouching asked my partner to escort me outside. She had noticed my obvious predicament and very sweetly played along and took me outside the dance area. Of course I used the opportunity to feel her up; she didn’t mind.

Outside away from prying eyes we sat down and looked at each other. The look of amusement in her face was followed with a kiss and we just spent the rest of the evening holding hands and sharing time together. We are good friends now and whenever we see each other we smile remembering that day before we exchange pleasantries and end up debating some thing or the other. She accompanies me now with a couple of her friends when I go for my evening walk.

THE TOURIST AND I.

While I was walking on the beach last morning I bumped into to a Tourist and wished her good morning. She responded and I sensed she wouldn’t mind some company and we both ambled along in the same direction. I was on my mobile with my Seredipity and we were talking about a posting I had made in my Blog. When I finished my call I noticed that the tourist had been listening to my conversation. She introduced herself to me, I responded.

We exchanged formalities and started talking about this, that and the other. She wanted to know if I was a writer and I told her I do write but I still don’t consider myself one yet. She wanted to know about me and what I was doing in this part of the country, so I asked to visit my blog which is self-explanatory. She was curious and invited me for breakfast at her hotel. I accepted gladly.

We got our self a table for two and ordered baked beans, sausages and fried eggs, sunny side up, accompanied with fresh bread rolls and butter. It had been a while since I had a breakfast like this. The conversation was lively ranging from politics to polemics and we finally ended up by exchanging email addresses and agreed to keep in touch. She was leaving back to the United Kingdom that afternoon and she promised she would check my blog and as requested by me comment. We ordered coffee and indulged in idle conversation.

I could feel a funny feeling developing in me and I was squirming trying to figure out how I could make a dignified hasty exit when I farted one of those small prerrrps. These fuckers are in the frequency range that can be picked up by anybody a few yards away from you!!! They are very unpredictable and no one can guess when the next one is due. All I know is once they start they don’t stop. They are very difficult to conceal and I was trying to raise my voice to muffle them with very little success.

I knew she was aware that I was farting and I must give her credit for ignoring it and continuing with our conversation. The problem with this type of fart is that going to the toilet doesn’t solve anything. You don’t shit and they continue.

So I tried to predict them whenever I could and raise my voice a few decibels and it was embarrassing!! I was sure that the guests close to us were aware of this. This went on for about ten minutes and I was thinking to myself “To hell with this I am walking out", when there was this humongous trumpet like sound coming from my friend the tourist. There was pin drop silence all around us!!!!

Both of us looked at each other called for the bill, she signed it and we very casually held hands and walked out of the restaurant and set off to the beach accompanied by prerrrps all the way. We collapsed on the sand and burst out laughing as I told her I am posting this for sure. Her reply, “please do and you can bet your ass I will comment!!!!”

LIFE IN THE VILLAGE.

The one phrase you hear so regularly is “Huthe”, in English Cunt!!!
Everybody in my village uses this as an expression to indicate anger, sorrow, disgust or happiness!!! You brought me something; you are a cunt!!! Thank you!!! The vernacular of the Sinhala language is something that I find fascinating.

An example; my landlord’s grandchild has this habit of coming to my yard and squatting with his pants on to have his morning shit. Poor fellow has not been trained to do the same in the toilet!! And the amount of profanity between mother and son is something that I find entertaining and quite frankly very relaxing.

I find that this village has accepted me as one their own, I was so touched by the fact that the owner of the Grocery store brought his daughter after her baptism, unlike the Catholics they follow a Christian format, the difference confuses me, to offer me a feast of traditional goodies and worshiped me in the formal way of touching my feet!!!!

This practice is dismissed by many as bullshit that you don’t have do it, It is an act of reverence to somebody who is older and valued as a member of society. It was not done out of compulsion!! The Parents felt that my blessings would bring this six year old girl all she wanted in life and she would succeed in whatever she wanted to!!! I touched her head and said a prayer for her.

Anyway I was contemplating how come in a short time I have been recognized as one of their own??? I came here on the 25th of June and I have lived here for a few weeks. Anyway to get the point of what I was trying to say.

The Sinhala language is probably the best after Greek to express vulgarity and profanity effectively. Mother Fucker is so mild compared to Umbe Ammata Hukanawa keri Vesige Putha!!! I will fuck your mother you cum prostitute’s son. The interesting aspect I find so amusing is both sexes use it!!! This is one area that there is no gender bias and I was told today by shop owners on the main road that I live in the most dangerous part of the village.

I have not felt that it was, in fact it is the most secure place I have lived in. I feel a sense of protection around me. When I walk on the streets there is somebody who will amble along with me and gossip. Yes profanity is a common form of our language that we use in everyday conversations!!! You find the old and young using it with no hesitation. I do it!!!

I was wondering how come I felt that I belonged here? I asked my mother she told me that I was more at home with the thugs at Beramulle in Kotahena as opposed to the upper middle class residents of Alwis place. This really intrigued me!! I had missed something!!!

My natural instincts to probe were activated. I questioned my landlord and found about his ancestry. I followed that trend with a few of the older residents here. What I learned is so amazing!!! Every fucking person who lives in my part of the village has a lineage that can be traced to Kerala!!! My mother was from Kerala!!! No wonder I am accepted!!!! That is why I feel I have found my home!!!!

THE VILLAGE IN ACTION

I was involved in solving problem for one of my friends. His Internet connection was screwed. When I checked his lap top it had 227 viruses!!!! The process to get his machine working again was tedious, I finally finished at about two in the morning. I was at the hotel where the guy works, so I had all the food I wanted and star class treatment. I was VVIP!!! It’s been long time since I got this kind of attention. Where everybody caters only to you, fuck the tourist this is our “Mahathaya”, Our Sir!!!

I got up late which is very unusual for me as generally I get up when I hear the birds singing. I went to the grocery store, or Kadde as we call it in Sinhala, to get bread, ambled along the streets I love, went to the beach, enjoyed the breeze and came back home. I was supposed to arrange my room, but I postponed it!!!!

My thoughts were about my Serendipity, who is very unhappy these days and I am powerless to do anything about it!!! I wonder sometimes if my impulsive nature has harmed the one person who encouraged and stimulated me to write.

I was sitting at the dining table watching AL JAZEERA when I heard my landlord muttering to himself and walking in the garden, my curiosity was aroused and I asked him what the problem was and if I could help. His reply “No you can’t” This intrigued me, so I came to the porch of my home and there was a huge machine and a minivan on the road. The whole bloody village had surrounded it!!! The person in charge was a lady and these jokers had come to install a communication tower in our playground!!!!!

I believe that I am blessed to witness events that very few people have an opportunity to observe and this drama qualifies as one of the best I have seen!!! There was a surreal atmosphere as my landlord walked with a “Kathe”, a sword of some sort, and comes up with the phrase I am so used to now and hear so often “Umbe Ammata Hukanawa kari vesi, (I will fuck your mother you cum prostitute)

The lady whom my landlord accosted was visibly trembling and I could sense her fear when she mumbled that she was sorry, and practically gathered her Sari (in Sinhala the term used is redda ussela) and quickly got back in the minivan. There were two males in the Van and they didn’t even get out of it!!! The Driver just reversed and got lost. The playground is used by adults and kids and the people of my village stood collectively to stop the desecration of the ground!!

The pride and victory in the village was evident as they dispersed. I thought of the Middle East and what happened to Mubarak in Egypt. I sense a growing feeling of dissent and discontent in my village!!!! They have been lied to so many times and as the old saying goes you can fool the people some of the time etc; People when pushed to the limit will revolt and the consequences in the absence of genuine and trustworthy leadership is horrific!!!. I witnessed it in 1983!!!

I hope this Nation matures; we all have a social responsibility to make sure that we hold our leaders accountable and the people we elect are sincere!! They are supposed to be for the people and civil society has to initiate action to ensure this. Unfortunately those who have the influence to do so don’t!!!! For them protecting their interests and singing Hosanna to the King is what matters.

The village was calm , when a man looking very confident walks up and tells my landlord that he didn’t want to bring his sword and chop the lady into bits as he didn’t want to incite any violence!! My landlord looked at him and said, in Sinhala, “you Mother Fucking prick you don’t have a sword your fucking wife sold it when she didn’t have money to buy bread and if you come and try to claim credit for what we did, I will cut your balls off!!!”

THE LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER.

I was hoping to get my table today and put my room into some kind of order. But unfortunately the table wasn’t ready. So that was an excuse for me to do what I love doing; Procrastinate! In other words listen to music and do jack shit! I use the dining table as my work space now I have wired it to accommodate my electrical requirements. I have enough space to place all my equipment and a very comfortable chair plus the hall is very cool as there is a constant breeze when all the windows are opened. The endless stream of my landlord’s extended family have a habit of peeping from the door, I don’t care about it because they are young and curious, and they in turn don’t particularly care that I am in my underwear (when I mean underwear I am referring to Boxer shorts and nothing else) peering at my Computer completely absorbed in whatever I am doing. They wouldn’t dare come into the house. My landlord wrath is something they wouldn’t want to be subjected to!!!

I was browsing the net listening to Adkins and at the same time looking forward to my evening walk in the Mangroves to the Canal. My mind was preoccupied with the problems and heartaches I have caused my Serendipity of late. In my opinion we are so close and at the same time capable of hurting each other on trifles which in retrospect are so stupid. And we are supposed to be intelligent!!!! What a paradox!!!

The sounds when I am alone at home are so comforting, The noise of the vendors, the various conversations and asides that neighbors exchange on their way to and fro on the road, the occasional glance I am told which is cast towards my door way, this I was told by my Body guard, who takes his duties very seriously and a general noise level that is discernable in spite of the volume of my sound system.

I am jolted with a shriek that shatters the entire ambience with a voice that sounded vaguely familiar “Umbe Amatta Hukannawa Kari Vesige Putha!!!” The closest translation to English is “I will fuck your Mother you Cum prostitutes Son!!!” I rushed to the porch and see my landlord’s daughter chasing her four year old son on the playground opposite my home who is darting all around reminding me of Speedy Gonzales!!!! She is wearing a sarong which covers her body from breast to thighs, just had a bath; still wet I could see the contours of her body, very revealing and quite sexy chasing her son!!! I didn’t quite know whether I should admire this scenery, take a photograph or just laugh!!!!

I have known this Woman from 2008; she has always been a prim and proper absolutely classy lady. I always call her Madam and she is one of the many of my landlord’s off springs who ensures there is something extra every night at dinner. I watched this drama for some time before both Mother and Son got tired and retired hurt. Her parting shot before they both walked back to their home “I am going to tell you’re Father” This I had to see!!!!

The Father who drives a three wheeler came home late in the afternoon. The poor guy had a problem with a punctured tire and looked very tired when a shrill voice yelled at him “Me amata hukana Lamayek!!!”, “This is a mother fucking child!!!”. And the husbands Response;“Kuppiya Pawitche kerewe nathe Ai???”. “Why didn’t you use the condom???” The answer was classic “ Aye Yako umbe hithiwe hukanda witharai awila gahuwa kelimma kuppi thiya matta naanda dunne na. Echerata hadisiya!!!” The best translation I can conjure is “You devil all you thought was about a fuck, let alone the condom, you didn’t even let me have a bath you were in such a hurry!!!!”

I saw the Mother and the Son in the evening. He was vomiting and she was rubbing his chest gently and crooning words of affection to comfort him. I saw in this what my mother must have gone through when I was that age I believe and cried the whole night for no apparent reason. There is a saying in Tamil that Amma Passam or a Mother's compassion has no boundaries or limits! What came to my mind was the plight of the thousands of Mothers who have lost their children in conflicts all over the world and what they must be going through every day of their lives!

THE POTTY AND ME.

I did see the dawn of the day as I posted on the twenty fifth and went to sleep feeling so very content that yes I was free at last. I was listening to Yoga music and fell asleep. My apprehensions about living on my own again had disappeared and the sense confidence that I had been lacking for some time in my life restored.

Thinking about my life and what I went through and how I accepted challenges without fear and arrogance drifted through my mind while I was dozing off. Those thoughts have to be documented at another time. I don’t quite recollect how long I slept but I got up with an urgent need to go to the toilet.

I have a miner’s lamp in my possession which I wearily put on my head and very tentatively found my way to the bathroom. I don’t have a modern bathroom in my humble aboard it’s what is known as a squat system. I don’t mind that because I have been told by a very close friend of mine that squatting is the best way of getting rid of all the garbage we produce after we consume.

It was okay I did wash my ass with the water I had to carry into this toilet; it was a good motion and walked back to my room to continue with my disrupted sleep. It was not even a few minutes before the urge to go the toilet was apparent.

This time it was a loose motion!!!! I can’t remember how long I squatted because it was still dark and while I made my way back into the house (The toilet is in an outhouse) I was wondering why a loose motion!!! Anyway I thought I will try to sleep again. I was in for a surprise. My fucking system had decided to go overtime in the shit department!!!!!

I had two problems to deal with I was having a problem squatting, my knees were aching and my energy levels were getting depleted and I didn’t want to even call the half way home so that they would have the last word “You can’t live on your own, You shouldn’t have left!!!”

I woke up my Landlord and told him he had to help me and, this is why I respect him, In his words “Mahathayo mama me hema huthelage pukka hodala thiyanawa!!!!” Sir I washed all these cunts ass holes!!!!. For about three hours he escorted me to the toilet and baby sat me while I was basically shitting water!!!! He washed me escorted me back to my room and again went through the same process without a murmur or complaint.

By eight in the morning I thought my system would settle but it didn’t!!!!! I wasn’t shitting anything in the sense of the word, I was just passing water and boy was it frequent!!!!! I was practically living in the outhouse and my ass was burning!!!!!

Then came the real problem my landlord he had to leave me alone at home!!!!! One of his grandchildren was getting baptized!!!!! Like I said this man dotes on me and I will never forget how he touched my head and said shit where ever you want I will come and clean it up!!!!!!!

I had a problem with that this was my second day at my home and the rules of engagement as far as his grandchildren were concerned were not established!!! They have a habit of walking into the house whenever they feel like it and the last thing I wanted his grandchildren to see was me shitting in the hall and on top of which I was having a stomach cramp and the pain was unbearable. Fortunately I carry an assortment of drugs with me and I took a pain killer.

Suddenly I realized why I was having a loose motion. The half way home gives you a banana once a week after lunch. I had purchased a bunch of bananas the previous day ,about nine of them and I had been copiously eating them like a starving refugee!!! My whole fucking system was doing a cleaning act!!!! That comprehension helped to realize that I was not sick!!!! So I decided a cup of coffee was what I need and then the shit hit the fan!!!!!!

My Landlords eldest grandson was in my home and I needed to shit!!! I knew I wouldn’t be able to squat in the outhouse and I couldn’t possibly ask this twelve year old boy to wash my backside! I walked very carefully to the back of the house and for my bad luck the neighbor’s young daughter was picking flowers in her garden!!! Talk about timing and to cap it all she is enquiring as to how I am and wanted to find out my pedigree!!!!!!

I can’t quite remember what I mumbled but I saw a bucket grabbed it rushed to my room, close my door and squatted to let flow the biggest loose motion I have had in my life!!!!. I didn’t have water to wash, so I took an old T-Shirt and wiped my ass planning to worry about how to deal with it later!!!!

I used my make shift potty several times before my stomach finally settled. I was so exhausted and felt weak. Finally I just fell asleep. I got up after a few hours and my system had settled down. My Landlord was in the porch waiting for to get up as he had got some food for me. I ate what I could and wished him good night and slept till seven in the morning.

I felt good in the morning and asked my land lord to arrange for breakfast while I had a cup of coffee and congratulated myself that I had managed my first crisis without having to call on the half way home. It suddenly struck me that I hadn’t cleaned my potty and when I went to get it I howled with laughter. I had been using an old rusted tin with a lid mistaking it for a bucket!!!!