As usual I start my post with the same excuse that I must not procrastinate!!! However as I am learning fast it is a reality. The problem is I like to write but I need to be inspired to get the creative juices going. Todays post was inspired by an email I sent to my psychiatrist which prompted to document a surreal event that occurred last night.
I was very depressed as it seemed like I was getting no where in terms of getting my immediate family to realize that what I had planned for was realistic and achievable and my Bi Polar disorder should't be an impediment to my ambitions. I hear all the time that people do live normal lives with this condition but in my case my support system which is primarily my Sister doesn't seem to think so. I try to explain but end up in arguments leading to comments that I am still unstable. What is sad is that how labels never can be removed in the eye of the beholder. And I have experienced this so many times I am getting used to it which frightens me as the only thing I am sure about is my ability to survive and overcome and if I loose that focus I will be nothing.
Anyway I am fortunate with all the problems that happen I am presently living in the lap of luxury at the Hilton Residency in the heart of Colombo Sri Lanka. To that extent my Sister never spares the expense to take care of my well being. What I guess she can't quite comprehend and I guess in retrospect is quite natural is why I can't accept that this the best I can get and why bother to look or aspire for more. Unfortunately that philosophy doesn't quite sit well with me as it goes against my funder mental nature and naturally I resent it. Anyway that is another subject for a another post. To get back to what happened last night.
I heard that there was a live band with a good reputation playing down stares and I thought lets go enjoy myself and get out of the room and the depressive feeling that was overwhelming me. changed into a smart casual outfit and contemplated dinner on my own and to just be and will myself not to think about the problems but actually hoping I might find some interesting company to dance and chat with.
The Bands' reputation was true. They were good. The sound was balanced and the music was early eighties and material I liked. I was relaxing looking around smoking and trying to see if there were any single ladies to pick up. I was half listening and taking in the scene as it were when suddenly I heard a favorite song of mine. I froze as I heard the familiar lyrics and the cold realization of what I was thinking about struck me. It was something I had completely dismissed from my mind for quite sometime and I felt terrified. I thought I was over her and finished with her in any emotional sense but the music and her image fixated in my mind and try as I might I couldn't stop the process and the inevitable conclusion that this was something that would continue to haunt me dawned.
I tried desperately to force and stop what I was thinking about, I looked at the others trying to see somebody I could approach, ask for a dance, have a drink so that I could be distracted.
Nothing worked ! I walked out to the side walk and lit up. My hands were trembling in probably the hottest season in town. The doorman looked concerned and I had to force a silly grin to assure him I was alright. paced up and down and tried to calm myself. I thought how come suddenly this woman came into my mind I had been very confident that it would never happen. What stupidity. I would never be able to forget her in the context I thought about her. What will I do do now ?
My nerves had settled down and I suddenly felt a sense of calm and contentment. I had to accept the truth. I have to also accept the reality that I will always think about her again like this !!! But let it be, I told myself I don't know stranger things have happened and if thinking about her is something that is going to happen regularly so be it, in what ever context, it makes me happy !
The song "You are all ways on my Mind" was sentimental and not quite the one I have in mind now, but it set the mood. The image was a picture that I took of probably one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met in my life, curled up like a kitten in a chair sleeping and I had just finished the longest Mobile call I can remember of one hour and twenty eight minutes and thirty three seconds just two hours and fifteen minutes ago with her!
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