THE INDIAN EXPERIENCE.

We landed in Chennai on schedule and after checking in our onward luggage to Hyderabad proceeded to the Domestic Terminal. For a regional hub Chennai leaves much to be desired. I was told it had been a lot worse till the recent renovations had been done. But to me it didn’t seem to have been through any renovations and looked a mess. But my buddy assured me that this was not the case as he had travelled through here before, during and after the renovations. Apparently at one time the drive way to the Airport was alongside the walkway from the International to Domestic Terminals.

Anyway we got some magazines from one of the book shops and proceeded to the departure lounge for our almost eight hour wait for the connection to Hyderabad. It was unusually cold for this part of the world. Colombo had experienced the coldest weather in sixty one years because of the impact, experts had said, of Global Warming. We had with us warm clothes so it was comfortable. The time passed slowly and at last we heard the boarding call.

We boarded a bus to get the aircraft and I was a bit surprised. This was almost a two hour flight and I thought the renovations would have meant we walked to the aircraft from the lounge. Was I in for a shock! We were being flown in a two engine turbo prop that looked so short and small and did I have the he bee jeebees! For moment I was at loss for words. This was a come down with a nasty bang. The only analogy I could think of was a limo to a bullock cart!

You boarded the aircraft from the back and it was on a flight of five odd steps hanging on what looked like twine with a even thinner version as your handrail. I clutched at this and with some trepidation managed to board the plane. We were right in the front and there was another shocker. We were in two seats that were flush with the separating panel of the cockpit from the cabin and We had two passengers facing us and I swear if I had stretched my legs it would have landed in between the lady in front of me! Not something you would want to do in India. This was a small aircraft. The only time I had been in something smaller was way back in 1978 when due to bad weather and a strike by the El Air Crew there was only one flight out of Tel Aviv and I could have sworn that the plane’s wings were flapping to keep the aircraft in the sky! I wondered if I was in for a similar experience.

Taking off was even more unusual. The flight attendant pulled her seat from a slot before the door to the cockpit. It looked like one of those folding ironing boards you find in today’s space saving apartments. When she did her demonstrations I had to strain my neck backwards to get a glance at her! I was pushed forward on takeoff by a good eight inches off the backrest of the seat. But at the end of it all the flight was uneventful and smooth and we were on time. It was cold as hell and we quickly rushed through the airport to a Taxi and made are way to the Brides Residence.

Hyderabad was fun and I really enjoyed myself. I was seeing so many people I hadn’t met in a while and felt so much at home. It was an experience that I will never forget. The City is cosmopolitan and apparently has a large population of Sri Lankan Students who do inter marry with the locals and settle down quite well in this part of India.

We went for a walk one day into the town close by to where we were staying and the sidewalks were a death trap at least at that time. There was a lot of cable laying going on and I stubbed my toe many a time on those walks. A relation of my Buddy’s, he is tall bumped into a sign that clearly stated mind your head because he was looking down to avoid the pot holes in the sidewalk!

One stretch of the side walk had a long wall which had a sprayed message as to not pass urine There! The stretch that had this caution was clean, but further on there was no warning and it stank! I used to buy cigarettes from a shop that had a board stating it was the CICAGO CIGARATE & PAN SHOP.

The wedding was great and I learned of some enchanting customs when the Master of Ceremonies introduced and got all the guests to do some very interesting dances. Leaving early morning I noticed how in the night the streets had been swept clean and the City looked spick and span to greet the new day. The drive to the Airport was fast and the road leading to it was so well laid out. I was told by my friend that the Rajiv Gandhi Airport is reputed to be the best in India. I do not know how this compares with Delhi’s new terminal One but I was impressed.

Back in Sri Lanka on our way back home I saw something that really made this trip so eventful. On the back of a covered pickup truck was a three piece Papra band as they are known. They were an integral part of my childhood at carnivals at our neighborhood school fares. As for the jinx and the curse that has been in my life??? I think it is gone and I was looking forward to 2011!

THE DAY DAWNS.

Was I excited; I couldn’t sleep much and was full of anticipation to embark on what was going to be a new adventure for me. At last I was off to India. I had checked on-line and found out that the Aircraft was an Airbus. I had been on them before. I remembered when Indian Airlines introduced them on the Colombo Bombay sector and I was taking a flight to Colombo when somebody mentioned I was taking an Airbus, wondering what kind of a bus had wings and could fly ?

As usual we left home late and made it to the Airport an hour before departure, passengers are supposed to be at the Airport three hours before, but that was nothing new to me. When I was a frequent traveller and my late first wife worked for an Airline I used to be at the Airport just in time to be bundled into the plane. That was another time of my life.

My Buddy is a well-known actor and a frequent flyer. One of the counter girls recognized him and we got a business class upgrade, and that was a cool way to leave Colombo. The Airport had been renovated and looked really good. The traces of the old Airport were there but there were a few additions and it was plush. We went up to the duty free grabbed what we needed and had some lunch at the Business Class Lounge. I walked around and surprisingly was quite relaxed and all those fears and apprehensions I had about flying seemed to have vanished. I got my buddy to take a photograph of me and sat down to mail it to my Mom when I heard the boarding call.

We made our way to the security check point and this was the first time I experienced post 9/11 security. I was standing behind my friend when a rather young pretty looking security officer requested me to remove my belt and shoes before passing through the metal detector. I couldn’t help it! I removed my belt and proceeded to unzip my jeans as if though I was going to strip! The look on the Woman’s face and the frantic gestures she made at me to stop was a sight I wish I could have captured for posterity. The Officer in Charge looked on highly amused while I feigned ignorance and sheepishly told the Woman “Aiyo Mang Dane Naha! Mang hithuwe okkamma galawanda ona kiyala. Kalekata passé mang plane ekka yanne!” “Oh my god I didn’t know I thought I had to remove everything! I am taking a plane after a long time!” I don’t think the Woman quite realized that I was pulling her leg! My buddy in the meanwhile had missed all this and was frantically looking for me further down the walkway.

The inside of the Cabin was a sight for sore eyes. I breathed deeply absorbing the fragrance of the interior and felt at ease as I walked to my seat. I had picked a window seat as I always did on top of the wing. I looked out at the tarmac and the memories of the numerous occasions I had done the same thing flooded my mind. I thought to myself so this is what I missed out on all these years!

We were ready for takeoff and as I strapped myself in as the aircraft started the slow ride to the runway. I enjoyed every shudder and vibration that the engine made. I was on a high. The stewardess came with my drink and while sipping my smoothie and gazed out looking at the vast ground surrounding the taxiway when the Aircraft reached the take off position. The familiar sound of the engine revving up was so comforting as the Aircraft moved slowly at first and as it gained speed I watched the runway blurring as we approached takeoff speed. I waited for that moment when the Aircraft leaves the ground and suddenly you know you’re airborne and you hear the noise of the hydraulics in action. It was wonderful to be flying again!

AFTER EIGHT YEARS A TRIP ABROAD

I last made an overseas visit in 2002 to India, and from that time onwards even though I did get a new passport in 2007 I never saw the inside of an airport all these years. Considering that I was such a frequent traveller from the age of 2 when my Mother took me on my first trip to India and my globetrotting as a Sailor and subsequently as a business traveller, in retrospect I am surprised that I was able to stay so long in Sri Lanka without feeling the urge to travel somewhere. I don’t what stopped me but my life had gone so wrong that I didn’t even feel the need or desire to even get out of Colombo. I guess alcohol was the only thing that mattered to me.

When I first came to the half way home in July 2008 I was too weak and drugged to take even a five minute walk in the compound. Things started improving after my third month and I did regain my strength and started my outdoor activities and by December 2008 I was very fit compared to what I was when I first came here. But though I did start wanting to travel abroad again I was afraid that I might not be able to stand the strain of travelling and at one time I had resigned myself to the fate that I am going to be stuck in Sri Lanka for the rest of my life!

But after I came back to the half way home last May one of the things I had decided was that I was going to make an overseas trip before the end of the year. This was one of the resolutions amongst others I had made when I was reflecting on a course of action while in hospital. The reason for this sudden obsession to travel was instigated by a story my late Sister had conveyed a long time before she died and during the period I was in an out of rehab and things were generally fucked up. Apparently she had been told by an Astrologer that I need to cross international waters if this bad period in my life was to come to an end!! I don’t particularly consider myself a very superstitious person and after my Sisters death my family generally abhors any thinking in that direction. But I was obsessed with this one statement she had made. I mean considering all the sound advice I had got on matters I should have listened to and didn’t should explain the logic of my convoluted thinking that I use when it suites me.

By July I was reorienting myself and staying with my best buddy during the week and coming to the half way home only on weekends. In spite of all the other hassles I was going through during this time the trip abroad was always in my mind. Problem was my Family were very reluctant to send me off anywhere on my own at that time and I couldn’t find anybody whom I could tag along with as well even for a short period of time. But then lady luck smiled at me. My best Buddy’s Sisters Daughter was getting married and the wedding was to be held in Hyderabad. His family knew me from child hood days and I had no problem in getting an invitation. So India it was and the tentative date of departure the 26th of December 2010, duration four days!!

This was end November and was I excited. I was going with my buddy and meeting people I had not seen since 1983. I was looking forward to it. Then came a small snag. I had lost all my previous passports and had only the current one which had no endorsements of travelling anywhere The Indian Visa Office required that I get a Police Report to that affect otherwise the chances of my getting a visa would be slim. Now I like most people in Sri Lankan hate visiting Police Stations unless it is absolutely necessary and in this case it was if I was going to break this jinx. Usually I know somebody or know of somebody who knows somebody to get things done. So I called one of the later who informed me not to be a dumb ass but just walk up to the nearest cop shop and make the complaint like anybody else without trying to draw unnecessary attention to myself as the cops would wonder why I was peddling influence for a simple matter of reporting expired passports that I had lost. Made sense so I did exactly that and walked to the nearest cop shop which was a couple of blocks away from my office and except for a slight misunderstanding with the chaps who let you through the main gate as I had inadvertently declared that I live elsewhere. They said in that case I had to make the complaint to a Police Station of that area. I resolved this with some ingenuity and made my way to the crimes desk.

A well-built Cop, quite pleasant looking and in civvies, was in charge. Ho queried as to what my problem was and once I explained what I had come for very politely requested me to wait till he finished resolving the problem at hand involving a transaction between a buyer and a seller of some textiles on a nonpayment of dues and wanted to know if I would like to take a walk and come back later. An offer which I declined saying that I will wait as this matter was a bit urgent since I had to apply for my Visa the next day. I sat and watched this interesting process of a genuine law enforcer doing a good job. I did complement the Cop when it was my turn and I noticed the wry smile of appreciation my comments evoked.

A rather pleasant looking Lady Cop sat herself next to me and proceeded to record my statement. It was going very well till I said in a mixture of Sinhala and English that I probably would have misplaced or dropped my passports taking them out of the case I carry my laptop Computer in when I travelled in the many three wheelers I take when I commute in and around the office area during the night. Now the statement is recorded in Sinhala and there was an embarrassing pause. The literal translation of laptop into Sinhala is extremely suggestive and the Lady Cop and I tried not to laugh while the Officer in charge looked nonchalantly at the Ceiling. I almost blurted out in Sinhala “Mang Oyage Odekkuwa Idegenna Mage Lapto ekka Pennendada?” “Shall I sit on your Lap and show you my Laptop?” Like I said the officer in Charge was well built! There was a pause and silence which was broken suddenly by the Lady Cop asserting loudly in Sinhala “Mama Dane ne naha me Magula mama Laptop kiyala Liyanawa!” Translation “I don’t know anything about this damn thing I am writing laptop!” I signed the statement and walked out and burst out laughing when I hit the side walk. A few passes by did give me strange looks. I did ask the guys in office if they knew what the correct term for a Laptop in Sinhala was. Everyone knew what a computer was and the only guy who checked online came up with a word that I didn’t even know existed!

I got my statement the next day and the visa three days after. I passed the Lady Cop on foot patrol prior to my departure to India, one day in the evening on my way home; she recognized me and gave me smile that will be etched in my memory for ever.

ANOTHER DREAM

I went to sleep late last night very relaxed and quite content that I had done quite a lot during the day. It had been a while since I had listen to a track from my yoga music collection, so instead of tuning in to my favorite radio station I chose a track I use for my yoga that had a mix of modern Rock and Oriental instruments, put it on repeat, set the volume to suite my comfort zone and drifted off to sleep.

I find myself on top of a rock very similar to the one that the river Ganges in India gushes out from beneath the glaciers and starts its journey to the sea. If I remember right this is supposed to be very high in the Himalayas and bloody cold. But I am wearing a T-Shirt and Jeans and standing on the rock bare feet, which is very unusual for me. There is a pathway to the bank of the River and I walk down to the river bank, it’s more a stream really, wash my face in the cold clear water and drink some as well.

Though this is supposed to be the river it is very shallow and the rocks are sparkling under the sun. I walk across to the other side where there are some strange trees. They look like Christmas trees but they are all silver like something out of a picture post card. I try touching them but I can’t feel anything. There is no vegetation other than these trees and I am very confused but not particularly bothered by this surreal environment I find myself in. I look around me but I can only see these trees all around and pathways leading from where I am and disappearing into some sort of a haze. It’s like I am at a center of half a wagon wheel with the spokes leading away from me in irregular directions. It all looks pretty organized.

I pick one in random and walk away from the River and suddenly find myself in a field with weird shaped rocks placed all over the place. They vary in size but the path I am in snakes its way through these rocks and there are various branches leading away in different directions. It’s pleasant and I hear some faint music in the background. I walk a while but the scenery seems to be the same. I decide to take one of the branches to my left and I am back on top of the rock I started!

But now my Serendipity is at the bottom of the rock standing in the river. She too is wearing a T-Shirt but her Jeans are rolled up. She looks at me and I make out a sad smile. I go down towards her and though I try to talk I can’t. She is telling me that somebody has died. I can understand everything she is saying clearly but there is no sound except for the faint music. I look around and see two men walking up the River towards us, one is smiling at me as if though he knows me but the face is unfamiliar. He has very sharp features, sporting a beard and brown in complexion. I think I know him but I can’t place his face. The other is sullen and frowning at me. His features are not prominent and his image is vague. He has long unkempt hair and he doesn’t like me!

I turn towards my Serendipity and notice that is crying softly. I try to ask her why but she doesn’t seem to hear me. She looks forlon and so sad that my heart breaks. I am unable to comfort her. The guy who was smiling at me comes near me and puts his arm around my shoulders and I gather he is reassuring me that everything will be all right.

My phone rings suddenly and I realize I have my cell phone with me! I answer it and my dead sister wants to know when I would be joining my Mother and Her for lunch at the Hotel. My Serendipity is shaking her head at me and frowning now and this time I can’t understand what she is saying except she is annoyed at the interruption. I try to explain that I have to go to the Hotel but she keeps shaking her head. My smiling friend is still reassuring me while the other guys frown has turned menacing!

I don’t how long this drama went on but I am suddenly all alone on top the rock with loud music replacing what was in the background. It is the Osibisa track I use for my 6.30 alarm!

A Time For Reflection.

The Sinhala and Tamil New Year has just passed on the 13th and 14th of April and I will post something about the dawn of the new year in due course. But today it is about the 16th of the year both 2010 and 2011 that my mind is occupied with. It is exactly one year since that day last year after another cycle of my fascination with Alcohol went on high gear once again that I was in admitted to hospital for my 3rd stint at rehab and mind you my record was improving as this was my 3rd instance between July 2008 and May 2010!

What is fascinating about the run up to this madness was I had returned home in December 2009 and by February I was back in full flow. My early morning drinking had commenced with a vengeance and the withdrawals had begun in earnest. I needed a hefty slug of hard liquor by four AM daily. In mid-March the situation had deteriorated to such an extent even I started to get very concerned! So I had one of my brain waves. Since my resume has under experience a paragraph on rehab I decided to do a do-it-yourself rehab. I hired a private nurse and got all the paraphernalia required for a drip and got it administered twice a day for one week and at the end of it all I had weaned myself off hard liquor and had got down to only on two small cans of beer a day. I had done it. I was now the only do-it-yourself converted alcoholic to social drinker!!! But it lasted only for a week! By the beginning of the 2nd week of May I was back at it in earnest. On the 16th of May 2010 I collapsed after drinking 10 cans of potent beer in the morning and was in my usual room in the hospital by afternoon!

I have tried over the last year to figure out this self-destructive nature I seem to be blessed with and I have still to come to any rational explanation that I can comprehend let alone convince anyone else for any rational for this or for that matter make any sense of this behavior. But let me try now to set the backdrop to this with some historical and undisputed facts.

It was as early as 1996 that a team of Doctors was assembled to handle my case. It had my GP and personal physician, a psychiatrist and a team of other specialist consultants. At that time as was revealed to me by my wife subsequently Bi Polar was suspected but I never ever gave the rehab process enough time to establish this. As usual in four or five days I got discharged and went back home and for about a week I did find myself in an awkward position of not being able to navigate physically without assistance.

I was living in an up stair apartment and couldn’t walk up when I came home and didn’t walk down at all for a week. I stayed of the booze and a strange thing happened one morning. I got up feeling very well and I had a guest who had come to see me and I didn’t realize I had walked down with him to see him off unconsciously. I was elated and I quickly showed off to my wife and I really thought I had done it!! So much so that a long lost friend of mine who coincidentally visited me that same morning commented that I looked really good. She would know as just a year or so before that I had visited her in my old home town and I was so drunk I could barely walk. I immediately went around socializing and getting back into the circuit and everything was going so well and I was in 7th heaven. Eating well, sleeping well and I never felt so great. Guess what? One day I just felt the need to have a beer!! And it didn’t take long for the feel good factor and everything else to just take a hike and from then on accept for a brief period in 2005 when my present psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bi Polar and my acceptance of it in July 2008. I have not felt as good as that time till this last rehab and my return to the half way home in May last year.

I have tried to analyses what goes wrong with me that this return to alcohol phase of mine is recurrent. After 2008 the only common thread in this drama of my life is my going back to my residence. I went back in January 2009 and was hospitalized in July the same year, went back in December 2009 and was in hospital in May 2010 and it is only this time that I have managed to spend an entire year without being in hospital accept in December last year when everybody thought I had the H1N1 infection before my trip to India. I have not been a saint by any means but I seem to have got over this problem at last. I do though keep reminding myself every day that the promise I made to myself that I will never be hospitalized because of alcohol is something that I will never let happen ever again in my life is of paramount importance and something not to be taken for granted.

The uncertainty of something going horribly wrong again was there in the run up to the first year anniversary of my promise. I had some important issues to resolve before I finalized my plans after I finish my studies next month. My deadline of 31st August is also drawing near. One third the year is over and I have just five months to achieve my goals. So many unknown eventualities and situations had to be dealt with and I had to be very clear in my mind as to what I could and couldn’t expect from those around me and how much I would have to be self-reliant to see the months after August this year to get to the point I want to be at, so that the dawn of 2012 would be the best of the last decade. I was very apprehensive that I wouldn’t be able to handle this without resorting to the bottle.

Well, I did it! I can now be confident that whatever I have to deal with in the future is not an issue any more and the relief that I am no longer dependent on alcohol is probably the greatest achievement in the years since 1996. I think I am now ready not only to lead a normal life that will be fulfilling but also start looking at what really went wrong after I lost my Brother in Law in 1992 and maybe I will at last find the truth that I have been either consciously or subconsciously avoiding and come to terms with it in every sense of the word!

Social networking

It's been sometime since I posted but this time I have a valid excuse. I have been at last doing something productive as far as improving my skills are concerned and at last enrolled in a class to assess if I can study once again. I should know in a couple of weeks. But in the meanwhile my Serendipity as usual has been chiding me for not posting regularly and not keeping to various other promises I have made in the last few weeks. But what can be done as I always maintain these things happen.

Anyway we have been chatting about various subjects over the past few days and she told me sometime ago that she wanted to do a thesis on Social Networking with special emphasis on face book which incidentally she detests with a vengeance. I did open a face book account some time back but somehow other I still prefer emails, online video and chats to posting on walls. But who am I to criticize, it is hugely popular and has played an important role in people lives no doubt.

But this conversation started a different thought process in my mind. When I cam back to my retreat in May last year I was extremely disjointed and very disillusioned about my life and was really looking for an avenue to start communicating anonymously without all the baggage I was carrying. In other words a fresh start in life minus 52 years ( at that time ) of history. So I found a Social Networking Site and signed on. I think it was in early June 2010. For about 10 days I was very active trying out all the features, and believe you me there were some very interesting ones at that but my focus then changed towards getting back to Colombo and I lost interest and completely forgot about this till two weeks ago when this conversation came up.

I logged on to my account and found out it was still active and there had been quite a number of people who had viewed my profile which was very basic and bold I might add but I was intrigued that almost ten people had even mailed me. Now all this had happened in between the months off June and December 2010. I refreshed my memory by looking at all the features once again and spend a couple of days looking at profiles, searching for people with similar interests, participated in forums and polls and in those two days I made contact with about 10 people from varied backgrounds from all over the world, learned about so many different things, saw how other people viewed life, got input into problems that everybody faces all over the world and at the end of it all realized that this medium served a very important function in so may peoples lives on a daily basis. That was some insight to me.

Now I know a twenty Seven year old student who's philosophy in life is fascinating, a 37 year old who has a fantastic blog, somebody who flowered me an orchid which made me research and find out a whole heap of things about this exotic plant, a sixty year old Woman who wants to learn English and somebody with whom I shared this blog and got positive feed back among other things in those two days.

I also read about people whose expectations of the site were not fulfilled and those who really didn't know how to participate and get involved to find like minded people to share common interests. Of course there were those who were abusive and absolute bores but this is the net you don't like what is going on just leave.

To me it is a fantastic place to start interacting with diversity and expand my scope and comprehension on things that I like and would like to pursue for my enhancement and development and in that process get to know more and more interesting people apart from those I have known in my life so far. I am sure I will be the better because of it. Now I check the site everyday to see what is going on and I do get surprised frequently!

The Death Of the Cooks Husband.

After the post about the Doomsday scenario the subject of dying has turned up once again. I have written elsewhere about this and only reinforce the point that I maintain as my principle to take the trouble to visit somebody when they are alive. It shows you care enough as opposed to the obligatory visit when they are dead. In any case I am not aware of attendance registers maintained by dead folks, but I may be wrong. If a relative has died then the circumstances of course would be different but there again who knows the status quo between relatives?

I hate funerals and avoid them like plague. The drama of the grieving and the sometime absurd lengths that the whole process is fraught with is something I find hard to cope with. And most of the time I find it very difficult to use the right words to express sympathy effectively. But in all situations I am faced with I do find exceptions when it matters to me.

One of the Cooks of the half way home had lost her husband a couple of day’s back who had died after suffering a heart attack. She was one of the better persons in the Institute and I genuinely felt sorry for her. But I didn’t know her husband and till I heard of his death I wasn’t aware that she had a husband who was alive! Mind you I have been here since July 2008. Nevertheless I felt obliged to pay a visit to her house when the body was brought for mourning and felt a hypocrite at the end of it all. The absurdity of the sentiments she expressed with her grief made my Serendipity laugh when I shared them with her yesterday. So much so for empathy with human suffering!

The Cooks younger Sister owns the shop where I purchase my cigarettes and the shop had been closed the last couple of days which was a quite an inconvenience and was I relieved that the funeral was last evening and the shop was open this morning when I went for my regular purchases. The Sister is very fond of me and naturally the conversation was all about her dead Brother in Law and I in my morbid curiosity had to find out all the background information which of course was freely available.

I learned all about the dead man and his fine attributes; I wonder how many of them were invented after his death? It was idle gossip on a bright Tuesday morning and was interesting in so much that here was a guy who had no record of heart problems, was just going to turn 60 in couple of months and the only known condition was blood pressure for which he was being treated for some time now. Apparently he had complained of a severe chest pain in the wee hours of the morning on that fateful day and had been rushed to the main hospital nearby.

What is astounding is the fact that he had been talking normally and walked into the ward and it was only after the Doctor had performed the ECG that it transpired he had already suffered a massive heart attack and wouldn’t survive for long. The Doctor had dispatched everybody out the room and kept only the Son next to the man and as expected the convulsions and shuddering’s followed soon and he died very quickly.

On hearing this I said a quick prayer, and I hoped that whoever the God in charge of me heard it, which echoed and requested from the all mighty to ensure that when my time was up to please ensure that I go walking talking and fall dead in a jiffy! The Sister put it very well, in Sinhala she said “Suba Marane! Apita thamai Duka”. A good death! We live with the sorrow.

DOOMSDAY ???

I was asked the question by my Serendipity what I thought about the end of the world during one of our chats. I replied pithily “Haven't we had so many of them?” She laughed or rather the emicon did. But strangely enough this subject came up again when I was told that there were many emails circulating around in Colombo about this by a very good friend of mine when we met for lunch last Sunday. Yesterday this question was posed by the former and asking me to write about it in my blog. Hence this posting.

I wasn't really planning to do so today but I heard a very interesting discourse about the subject this morning on national television by a Buddhist prelate for the full moon Poya Day sermon. His perspective which reflects that of the Buddha based on his teachings set me off to think about this in more detail.

The first I heard about the end of world was a prediction about how a nuclear war would annihilate the whole population of the world. This was during the hey day of the cold war period. I was very young at that time and I could barely remember the details of the Cuban missile crisis. It was in 1962 and I was 14 and more interested in matters of sex rather than a stand off between the USA and USSR. The other that comes to my mind is the 1979 Three Mile Island Nuclear Accident in Pennsylvania, USA. I was 21 years old then and had been sailing over three years.

But there was no connection of these events in the context of the end of the world. I mean I had heard about how if their was a reactor melt down the whole darn thingamijig would end up at the other side of the world probably in the middle of China and the absurdity of any object let alone nuclear would survive the heat at the Earths core was hilarious. But I remember a debate at that time about whether spent fuel rods were being dumped in the Oceans. The average life span of these things according to Scientific American's definition is a “Trash heap deadly for 250,000 years!”

The first time I started thinking about the end of the world was after I had seen a movie about what a global Nuclear disaster would mean to humanity. It was a documentary, unfortunately I can't remember the name now, and the conclusion was humanity would be wiped out and the insects, especially cockroaches would reign supreme on the planet. Not a very bright prospect for a young boy to contemplate on a Sunday afternoon. The second time was also after watching another movie, again I can't remember the name and it concluded that God will ensure that only the maimed, deformed and sick will be the chosen as his children when the world ends. That left me rather confused about God's whole business of justice and fair play. The third was a song by the Rock Band Rush from their Album 2112 (1976),the opening track ending thus;”and the meek shall inherit the Earth!” These were all the thoughts that I had when this when this subject arose.

The sermon I heard this morning was on a totally different line and I have taken the liberty to use it and interpret it to conform to what my views are about the end of the world. According to the teachings of the Buddha, and I am no expert I am just repeating the gist of what the prelate preached. Human beings are now at a stage where life expectancy is at its 100's. That is some achievement considering what it was a couple of centuries ago. What has been happening of late, and this does make sense, is the isolated natural disasters that have been occurring at alarming frequency and at greater intensity in the last 10 odd years. Take Sri Lanka for instance, the Boxing Day Tsunami of 2006, The unheard of floods last year, a crack on the earth surface in Trincomalee. Look at the world Haiti and now Japan. Japan is really frightening as I was told that the Earths orbital position had shifted! The havoc this may play on the weather this year is to be seen. The solution was to come to terms with living life properly now as opposed to finding hiding places from these events. At the end of the day you can't cheat death. Then of course the discourse became boring and irrelevant to me. But I do concur there is no way one can really prepare for Mother Natures wrath. It is horrific, unexpected and devastating when it happens. If you are caught in it all you can hope for is a quick and merciful death unless you are a sadomasochist and want to live on after an agonizing wait for rescue and survive minus vital parts of your body. I don't but I don't hold a grudge against anybody who does. I prefer dying fast and as painlessly as possible because I don't want to live minus anything and I doubt my personality is built of that kind of heroic efforts to survive and live to tell the tale!

If at all there will be an end of the world it would probably be a change in our global environment. We are more likely to face frequent natural disasters,severe climate change and probably a short supply of water and food. What would it mean ? Survival of the fittest! The only thing that would make this equitable is, as I don't believe money would be able to buy anything at that time and being powerful wouldn't even come into the equation, is a level playing field. The alliances we form and how we play by new rules will be the only guarantee of the collective survival of the species. And maybe at last we will learn to protect our planet and respect not only Mother Nature but each other.

PERCEPTIONS

One of the reasons I started writing the other side of the coin in August 2008 was to record the perception I was viewed by those around me and in turn how I viewed them. This lead to the concept of using these perceptions as the foundation to writing and in my view an ideal medium to document 50 odd years of my existence on this Planet. This blog came much later almost a year after in 2009 and until very recently very little was done with it. Initially I was hoping to use the blog to publish my book but I dropped that idea very quickly and opted to use a free web host for my book and structure my blog differently. This is what I have been doing of late and I have been posting more regularly.

Anyway my views and those of others about me since 2005 when I was diagnosed as Bi Polar hasn't changed over the last six odd years. The conclusion I had drawn that no matter how hard I tried I would always be perceived as Bi Polar and whatever I did wouldn't make a difference in perceptions about me, was a bloody depressing reality. When I think of the murmurous occasions I have fought trying to change these perceptions I am amazed at my own tenacity. I had also very unfortunately and stupidly resigned myself to this and very uncharacteristically of me come to accept this. This goes to shows at least to me, especially now, how perceptions can be so obnoxiously misleading and fixated in your thought process.

This point was driven home in the last week of January, early February this year when a new comer was invited to the half way home to observe the workings of the Institute with a view to join as a Trainee Counselor when she completed her Degree. My initial reactions to her presence were one of indifference when I first saw her sitting at the reception area. I assumed she was a visitor to the Institute. The next day I saw her standing outside the office when I was going for my morning walk dressed in a Sari watching the female Residents doing their morning exercises. Something clicked at that time. I wanted to get to know her. My behavior was observed by one of the Counselors who I remember giving me a knowing glance! I can still remember the feeling of excitement the view I had of this new comer invoked.

Subsequently I found out that she would be here for two weeks.I approached her with a comment about her name which I deliberately mixed up with a catchy Tamil nick name of a hit film of some fame which I had watched on numerous occasions as a child and enjoyed the peels of unbridled laughter it provoked. This encounter quickly developed in my sharing what I had written so far on my book and the collections of short stories for her comments. Her observations had an impact and I found the inspiration I needed to focus and start getting back to writing again which I had neglected for quite some time now.

Once we had started talking to each other regularly she told once that in the morning discussions that are a part of the staff and management every day at the Home that when asked to commented on the subject as to who she found most interesting at the home she chose me. I was riled. Quite frankly I think I am much more than interesting, my antics in this Institute are stuff that legends are made off! In any case boy have I proved her so wrong! What was even more annoying was that it was I who had initiated contacted as I wanted to find out more about her. "Me relegated to interesting! Huh!" I remember thinking. Little did I know then I too was in for a shock and about to end up with my Serendipity.

It was around this time I was once again getting pretty tired off the fact that everybody I had come into contact with ended up with same conclusion as to my behavior being caused by Bi Polar that I thought to myself why don’t I sound her off as to what she thought? My logic was impeccable she had seen me for less than a week and I had shown her my writings and spoken to her at length about myself and maybe this time I would get a more balanced perspective? I was extremely disappointed that she had the same opinion as everybody else! But this galvanized me and prompted me to do something about it.

The seven months preceding her arrival to the Institute had been really tough on me. I was in a catch 22 situation with the assignment I had undertaken to asses my skill levels to see how I would be able to reintegrate myself back into the IT field. Unfortunately circumstances didn’t quite allow me to explore my potential and had I started bitching about the issues I was facing I would have sounded extremely ungrateful and resulted in hurting people who actually cared about me. It is all about the perceptions I live with and am living with daily. I couldn't express anything to anybody. I couldn't even get a chance to see my psychiatrist alone. The only time I indicated I wanted to do so ended up in a misunderstanding. I was getting right royally screwed. The assumptions everybody was were making were so out of whack and I couldn’t get my point of view across! This naturally resulted in behavior on my part leading to the conclusion that I am incapable of handling work or any other responsibility which in turn fuelled a further buildup of my frustration and no avenue to vent my emotions! All I knew was that I was on a high dosage of drugs and had no choice and resigned myself to accepting it, which was very conveniently interpreted as the treatment was working! Inside I was seething! I finally blew a fuse and went to a Physician for an opinion. He looked at the high dosage of the drugs I was on and to use his own words opined “allowed but high!!!! “ I am awaiting my blood reports on the 14th of March with trepidation!

The seven months of shuttling between Colombo and the half way home was also telling on me. I was going through a major identity crisis with no place to really call my own and not having the space to just be on my own. I was unable to function without depending on circumstances and other people to do anything meaningful. This is something I abhor! I like to start my day knowing that I can finish achieving all my objectives within the time frame I set for myself. The half way home was probably the best alternative under the circumstances but at that time it was also not fully geared to cater to my requirements and a lot of what I had planned had to be postponed pending my Sisters arrival in Sri Lanka on the 6th of February 2011. On top of this I was involved in all kinds of liaisons; fortunately I didn’t get into any serious trouble because of them.

I used to walk in to the reception area of the office here in the morning and be very cheerful and pleasant. Flirting with the female staff, joking and generally being extremely exuberant and full of life when I started my day. I have good reason for this. When I first came to stay at the half way home I was one arrogant, obnoxious SOB. When I think about it now I feel repulsed at the way I behaved. But over a period of time I started looking at people around me rather differently and there were some fundamental changes that occurred in my perception and attitudes! It didn’t take me that long to realize that I was just being a jackass and was capable of much more by just being human. Considering the arrogance with which I conducted myself and fear I commanded at the Institute I wasn't surprised when I got to know that the Psychologist had wanted me sent away from here wondering if I would commit some insane act! Thanks to the close bond I had built up with the Doctor in charge here and my relationship with him apart from the fact that we were very close to each other that nobody could even dare contemplate such a course of action! At some point in time I realized that considering what some of the other Residents had gone through in life and what they were still going through it didn’t really cost that much to be pleasant. The difference was astonishing! For once without insulting the staff I used inquire how they were to complement them on their looks! Tell me a Woman who doesn't like it! This had a few draw backs because you couldn't be overtly concentrating on one Woman and we had five at one time and the one who I used to hate at the height of my antisocial state of mind was not only pretty but finally ended up being very close to me because I changed my attitude and behavior towards her !!!!

Unfortunately this exuberance was perceived as a Bi Polar symptom, in other word I was in a mood swing in the manic state of a high!!!! This didn’t bother me much till this new bloody Woman joined the club! I am by nature a talkative person and because of the nature of my thinking I switch subjects fast and furiously and I tend to be overbearing. That is a social skill I have to address not a mental imbalance that drugs are going to cure!

On the day in question I breezed through the reception on my way out for my walk, acknowledged everybody’s existence with a curt good morning, came back in thirty odd minutes and ignoring everybody proceeded to my room. I do not exaggerate when I state that the new comer was in my room in a flash and I will never forget the look and concern on her face when she queried “are you alright? “. I felt great and replied “of course I am, I will explain later!” The all-important perception this time? I was depressed!!! When I did explain why I did what I did, she called me manipulative and pointed out that I was hiding the real me from people. In my book I changed a wrong perception of a person who mattered to me and what was important, it bloody well worked!!!



.

The Journey

According to my friend I am the most predictable, unpredictable person she knows. I have some news for her I am the most predictable unpredictable person I know! The word that would be apt here is I am an enigma to me if that is possible. But then I do the most nuttiest things at least when I ever I get the opportunity.

To put it all in sequence after three days of doing work for the half way home, they like to call it helping them with matters relating to computers and not really working? I don't care! There is a financial reward and that fucking matters! I had decided that I was going to visit the nearby town of Wattala today and spend the day there and just explore the town. It is now a bustling commercial hub and though I have passed it so many times I cannot remember really walking around and seeing the place. It was a small town so many years ago and it is en route to the airport. It still has a road called the old Negombo road and I can vaguely remember travelling down that road when I was a kid.

I was to accompany a Resident of the half way home to his Bank and then do my work at my Bank, help him with some chores and see that he was sent back while I took off to where ever my fancy determined. Everything was arranged and the two of us left the home. It was uneventful, but I really got to know this guy for the first time. I decide to take him and the driver of our Three Wheeler to one of the traditional old fashioned tea boutiques of yester year that one stumbles upon occasionally. Tea in places like this is served with sweet condensed milk and if you have it without sugar it has a taste that is unique. While having my tea some young students from a nearby tutory came in, I presume during their morning break, for snack and soft drinks. I reminisced of the time I was a student of that age and how similar my outlook and attitude was accept to me their sense of dress was atrocious. But I guess the same would have prevailed about mine by others at that time.

Well I saw my companions back to the half way home and set off on my own to explore and seek new places to venture into as it were. I ambled in the hot sun observing the girls in particular noting what was the fashion of today while getting a fare share of inquiring looks in turn and just gazing at what was going on around me, in short just soaking the atmosphere. I was passing a huge supermarket and decide to go in and and have a look see. I went in,flirted with a counter girl, enjoyed the air conditioned comfort, had a cappuccino and noted with amusement that the aisle marked Baby Products had gent’s ties on display. Reasonably priced!

It was almost lunch time so I decided to cross the road to the restaurant I had decided to have my lunch. Level crossings in Sri Lanka are a night mare for even people who use them daily. I had just returned from Singapore where crossing the street is a walk in the park. I came to the faded zebra crossing and for a moment I panicked! The traffic was horrendous and there were all kinds of vehicles around the crossing, some were on it, and there were huge trucks belching black fumes and honking away, not to mention assorted vehicles weaving in and out of the area designated for pedestrians. I considered hopping into a three wheeler and getting across that way?? I think it was just a fleeting thought, when something happened. The next thing I knew I had set out dodging bumpers and with my hand indicating my intention to oncoming traffic and was at the divider of the road. I paused took a deep breath and crossed to the other side. I had done it! Of course my legs were kinda weak but I took another deep breath and walked to a sidewalk fruit juice stall. I sat gingerly and reached for a cigarette. You are not supposed to smoke in public places but there were no cops around. I had a coke and smile after about five minutes.

The restaurant was just a block away and I walked to it and sat down in air-conditioned comfort. The meal was excellent and I enjoyed the service, had a chat with the guy serving me while he gave me the run down on what was available including the VIP lounge on the second floor that allowed smoking. The prices were pretty reasonable and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I suddenly decided, let me get back to the village and go to the beach. So I paid up, got to the street and then it struck me, I hadn't been in bus for so long and I had been wanting to do so for some time now. Why not today? The bus stop was close by, I knew the route number and I was aware that one comes by every half hour and it would be drop me at top of the road leading to the half way home. So bus it was goanna be!

The bus came by and I got in from the back clutching my duffle bag with my hand reaching out for the overhead railing when the bus took off like a missile. I cant remember how I grabbed the railing overhead but I had and froze gripping on to it and somehow other grabbing the same railing with my other hand. I was just about six inches away from the entrance to the bus. My heart literally stopped! The bus came to a screeching halt and just gave me enough time to move a foot or so forward. The bus turned to the left and from then on I was hanging on for dear life! I can’t explain the barrage of emotions and extent of fear that gripped me. I never knew this combination existed. All I could think was fuck this is a baaaad idea! I gripped the railing so hard that my nails were biting into my palms. The pain was intense but there was no way I was going to let go. The bus had turned into the road that leads to the junction at the Negombo Canal. The road we were travelling on, breaking all speed records, at least to me, is not very wide and I am very familiar with the terrain. I have driven fast in my time, clocking one hour bridge to bridge Colombo to Kandy but this Driver was a league of his own. The way he manipulated the medium size bus along this road was unbelievable! He was blaring his horn and even in my shell shocked state I was wondering how on earth the other passengers were quite comfortably swaying with this roller coaster and some were old folks!!! If there was anything I was sure was I was insane to have tried this bloody stunt.

I was seeing the inside of a bus all by myself after twenty nine odd years and I used to give my mother heart attacks when I used to run and jump onto moving buses without thinking twice. But that was another dimension and another time. In all this turmoil the Conductor comes along and asks for the ticket money. I told him is Sinhala “ Condosthara Mahathaya pena nadda mama wevulanawa mata Sali ganda vidiyak ne, kakule abadayak” Transalation “ Mr. Conductor can’t you see I am trembling I can’t take the money out now I have a problem with my legs” This guys was a class act! He hollered to the guy sitting near me demanding that he vacate the seat and gives it to me while announcing to all in the bus that I was a disabled person! The seated passenger meekly got up and very gallantly helped me to the seat. I wasn't lying, a minute more and my legs would have given away. I sat down breathing a sigh of relief as the conductor inquired as to where I was getting down and assured me he will come later for the money and drop me off safely.

The Driver took us to the junction in exactly seven minutes and thirty three seconds. I have been down this road using various other forms of transport and even in light traffic it takes about twenty to thirty minutes. We turned off into the road adjoining the canal bank. The bus then waits a good ten minutes and suddenly we are now in the hands of the Winner of the Annual All Island Good Driver Competition, who's only ambition is to ensure that his passengers enjoy the scenic view of the dirty canal! I was curious as why the suicidal drive? It turned out that if the bus doesn’t reach the junction at its allotted time the Owner gets fined! I was enjoying the the ride now and glanced at the people who use public transport. It was a mixture of the highly fashion conscious youngsters, smartly dressed men and women and some ladies who were very elegantly attired. There were an assorted bunch of both sexes who looked like slobs and a few romantics thrown in for good measure. The only experience that I found irritating was a Woman who shoved her crotch against my shoulder. But this is public transport and the next time who knows who will be shoving what at whom! Fortunately she wasn’t tall and seat wasn’t meant for a midget.

The Conductor collected his money, I thought it was twenty rupees but it was eighteen and he judiciously returned the balance and saw me off the bus as promised. I made my way to the shop I purchase cigarettes from and sat down. I tried to lite up but my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t. It took me a good half hour to lite a cigarette and took it two of them before I could stand up and walk.

The rest of the day I spent at the beach and came back to the home late in the evening. I learned something and am I glad I did what I did. I proved to myself that my confidence in myself and the determination not to wait but do it when it should be done without postponing is still there. I know if I didn’t do what I did when the impulse came upon me I probably wouldn't have done it at all. It has also given me the right motivation to put the effort on my fitness and be focused so that in the shortest possible time I regain my overall body condition so that a swaying bus for one is a natural for me.

As my friend puts it I am like a child and she is so right. I'm learning not the new but the old tricks that I have forgotten and like a child I am enjoying the experience and reveling in it.