It's been a while since I have got down to posting on my blog. So much for my resolution to ensure that I would keep at it with consistency ! Anyway lets hope that my reinforced commitment to post regularly is maintained. So much has happened over the last year some good and some very sad but overall all things considered I think I have come a long way from the slide from the beginning of 2010, looking at things now that is.
Things really were down hill from January till I ended up in hospital again in May but that some how other shocked me into coming to terms with some hard realities about myself and the illusions I was living with. The most important thing and the same time saddest of these home truths was the realization that my marriage was on the rocks and it finally dawned on me that there was nothing in it for either me or my wife anymore. I did have an inkling of this as early as 2006 but I was naive to believe that the 16 odd years of time invested in this relationship would stand strong and weather the storm. How very wrong!
I think coming to terms with this gave me a better understanding of what I had to do if I was going to get back on my feet and try to get my life back to some semblance of normalcy. It also reinforced my determination that this was the last time I would ever be admitted to hospital again for alcohol abuse. I was in hospital on the 24th of December but it was to check out a bad attack of the flu.
I started working at my friends office to get reoriented in IT, decided on what I wanted to specialize in and experimented with some application development to see how much I still had retained from my training and experience in Software development. Conclusion - I need to get back to a class room and follow a formal training program. It's coming back very slowly but the learning curve will be faster and the discipline is needed once again. In other words reorient my whole style of thinking so that the ultimate objective of getting a job and to be able to perform consistently can be achieved.
Overall the last six months were the best in terms of progress with regard to my life in general. I have a sense of purpose at last, better in control of the mood swings and more adaptable to dealing with the headaches that are now a part and parcel of my life. My personal life could do with some improvement but in a physical sense it has been satisfying though emotionally I have yet to think in terms of even contemplating another relationship. It is slowly becoming a need so I guess I will start looking and seeking someone once again, only maybe now it will be with a lot of caution, I hope not too much so that I don't end up by loosing the sense of adventure and fun in such quests.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Questions and Lady Luck
What makes you? Sounds silly? Really? Three questions and many answers. What do I mean ? Oh boy another question, where does it end ? You are right it never does. But one thing is sure it's easy to get lost in the process and give up as well. Why I am in this cranky mood is I have been trying to do a self-analysis of myself and reacting to those who have observed me over the last few months and trying to convince me, that I am a person of very different facets and function at many different levels trying to find an appropriate pattern to suite the occasion is a direct manifestation of my Bi Polar disorder. I deal with different situations differently depending on the circumstances, because that is probably the most comfortable method I know of but unfortunately this also ends up by creating a very confusing picture of my personality no doubt. The most common denominator and assumption is I use my personality exploitatively whereas I think it is a fundamental characteristic of mine to adopt to suite the environment so that I fit in but unfortunately compared to everybody else I end up standing out because of this adaptability.
Very confusing isn't it? Now I have fucking issues with questions! No I am serious I think I am not exploitative but more adaptive to the situation more than your average Joe who is around because I believe in one simple fact of life. All of us are born equal unfortunately circumstances play hell out of that equation and we end up where we are depending on them. Adaptability allows an advantage that very few schools and curricular teaches you in the broad sense of education. We are taught certain fundamentals and follow rigid criteria to evaluate success. The point we have missed is that first of all success in every endeavor while requiring a great deal of effort and hard work also needs a hell of a lot of luck. Being at the right place at the right time comes to mind but more importantly to know what to do at that time is something that all of us do not possess.
This ranting has distracted me from what I was trying to write about lady luck! Lady luck has a funny way of helping those who are willing to nudge her with some innovation and imaginative ploys. I remember a fine yarn that was spun to me as a kid by an elder to impress upon me the virtues of hard work and honesty and loyalty. A young boy was adopted by a wealthy family to serve in their estate. His job was to clean the kitchen after the Master and his entourage finished their dinner and wash up. He was paid in kind and was allowed to take the left overs to his family after finishing his work. The Master felt that a deed such as this would bring him good Karma as the traditional beliefs of that time went. After a few years the kind gentlemen gave the boy a piece of land and he became a farmer who paid his taxes like all peasants to the land owner, the kind gentlemen of course, and supposedly lived happily ever after. When I was an adult I checked on the practice of landowners and I realized that this was baloney. The suicide rate amongst farmers who couldn’t pay their loans and the mess that they got into trying to live of the land horrified me.
Further reading on the subject and a real story reported in my mother’s village goes thus. The arrangement the boy had with the “kind gentlemen” worked fine and dandy till the youngest daughter of the family was sent to school. Now she was sent to the best school in the area but was a dumb clut in every sense of the word. The only good thing that she learned a lot was while playing with the boy was in terms of the simple things the lad was used to such as ensuring that the free food he got was diligently given to his mother every day and he wouldn’t even take a morsel on the way home till it was served to the entire family etc., the values of sharing, kindness to animals, respecting nature, the simple things, that are so rare to find today. She used to show him her school books and the boy was quick to grasp and so started an unusual relationship to say the least. The boy learned fast and started teaching the girl! He was a natural and had the most important attribute in teaching, patience. The girl picked up and the school noticed that she was improving. Now the principal of the school was a smart cookie and he knew that the girl must be having some outside help to show such improvement! He decides to investigate and stumbled upon the fact that the boy was the reason. Now if the principal was decent he would have encouraged this and thought of recruiting the boy as a teacher. No! He told the father instead and the kind gentlemen promptly sacked the boy got the girl married off to some moron for a fat dowry and forgot about good karma!
Very confusing isn't it? Now I have fucking issues with questions! No I am serious I think I am not exploitative but more adaptive to the situation more than your average Joe who is around because I believe in one simple fact of life. All of us are born equal unfortunately circumstances play hell out of that equation and we end up where we are depending on them. Adaptability allows an advantage that very few schools and curricular teaches you in the broad sense of education. We are taught certain fundamentals and follow rigid criteria to evaluate success. The point we have missed is that first of all success in every endeavor while requiring a great deal of effort and hard work also needs a hell of a lot of luck. Being at the right place at the right time comes to mind but more importantly to know what to do at that time is something that all of us do not possess.
This ranting has distracted me from what I was trying to write about lady luck! Lady luck has a funny way of helping those who are willing to nudge her with some innovation and imaginative ploys. I remember a fine yarn that was spun to me as a kid by an elder to impress upon me the virtues of hard work and honesty and loyalty. A young boy was adopted by a wealthy family to serve in their estate. His job was to clean the kitchen after the Master and his entourage finished their dinner and wash up. He was paid in kind and was allowed to take the left overs to his family after finishing his work. The Master felt that a deed such as this would bring him good Karma as the traditional beliefs of that time went. After a few years the kind gentlemen gave the boy a piece of land and he became a farmer who paid his taxes like all peasants to the land owner, the kind gentlemen of course, and supposedly lived happily ever after. When I was an adult I checked on the practice of landowners and I realized that this was baloney. The suicide rate amongst farmers who couldn’t pay their loans and the mess that they got into trying to live of the land horrified me.
Further reading on the subject and a real story reported in my mother’s village goes thus. The arrangement the boy had with the “kind gentlemen” worked fine and dandy till the youngest daughter of the family was sent to school. Now she was sent to the best school in the area but was a dumb clut in every sense of the word. The only good thing that she learned a lot was while playing with the boy was in terms of the simple things the lad was used to such as ensuring that the free food he got was diligently given to his mother every day and he wouldn’t even take a morsel on the way home till it was served to the entire family etc., the values of sharing, kindness to animals, respecting nature, the simple things, that are so rare to find today. She used to show him her school books and the boy was quick to grasp and so started an unusual relationship to say the least. The boy learned fast and started teaching the girl! He was a natural and had the most important attribute in teaching, patience. The girl picked up and the school noticed that she was improving. Now the principal of the school was a smart cookie and he knew that the girl must be having some outside help to show such improvement! He decides to investigate and stumbled upon the fact that the boy was the reason. Now if the principal was decent he would have encouraged this and thought of recruiting the boy as a teacher. No! He told the father instead and the kind gentlemen promptly sacked the boy got the girl married off to some moron for a fat dowry and forgot about good karma!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
An overview of events of the last few days
I was unable to post anything over the last few days as time just didn't permit it. Anyway I made up my mind that I was going to do it today and reflect on the things that have been happening over the last few days. I started exercises at last, I think it has been over a year and a half since I did any form of physical activity that could even be vaguely construed of exerting my muscles. It has been four days now since I stared and I find that I sleep better and feel a lot less restless in the night. I am of the view now that Bi Polar shouldn't be treated only with drugs. Sure you need the daily dose of Sodium Valporate to maintain the chemical balance of the brain but the other drugs which are meant to control your highs and lows should be only attempted after everything has failed. Stress relaxation techniques which I am slowly learning about are far more effective than drugs towards this end. I have noticed that when I am involved in work and things are not going according to schedule or I am getting frustrated, I tend to get anxious and high ( the Manic State ) and at the end of the day when I have not achieved what I had intend to do and this is generally what happens, I get into a dip ( the depression ). The problem most of the time is that things don't get done because the other events in the chain don't get accomplished as it should and the resulting frustration leaves you mad as hell. Since everybody knows that you are Bi Polar this becomes a convenient excuse to cover their short comings and when you decide to blow a fuse it is considered intolerant. I some times wonder how these a so called normal persons, supposedly sane would cope in the real world and what would be their excuses then if they had to deal with the crap I deal with every day.
The good news for me is that now I have a room mate. We both have common interests especially in music and have similar personalities, which are different enough to be complementary. Once I start working again Monday to Friday from the first of November, I would be looking forward to my weekends here.
I also have found that at the end of the day when I take the trouble to wish everybody good night and crack a joke I find that it lifts my spirits. That coupled with my exercises have now resulted in my feeling sleepy by 9.30 PM as opposed to 11 PM or 12 PM normally.
The good news for me is that now I have a room mate. We both have common interests especially in music and have similar personalities, which are different enough to be complementary. Once I start working again Monday to Friday from the first of November, I would be looking forward to my weekends here.
I also have found that at the end of the day when I take the trouble to wish everybody good night and crack a joke I find that it lifts my spirits. That coupled with my exercises have now resulted in my feeling sleepy by 9.30 PM as opposed to 11 PM or 12 PM normally.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Science and God
I returned to the half way home today to spend the weekend and to get ready to rehearse for the monthly event we have here. I am taking part in one of the acts which is a skit thats based on a conversation between a Scientist and God on creating the perfect world. I wont go into the story but mention that the guy who scripted it did an excellent job. I come in the last scene with a narration that goes thus:
So you see my friends, science may advance to the point of extraordinary achievements but the mystery of love and compassion and the feelings of the human heart can only come from a higher power that is both incomprehensible and unfathomable, and cannot be recreated by mortal hands,
To feel for another, to love one another, to care for each other and most of all to be just human, with all our flaws and mistakes, accepting and respecting each other for who we really are as simple human beings…. That is what makes our world beautiful…. That is what makes life truly worth living!!!
I added the following to conclude the narration:
" Now I am more of a Science person and God is my convenient refuge in times of uncertainty and insecurity, but even I was impressed with the eloquence and depth of what the Author wrote. The only thing that came to my mind was a statement attributed to Albert Einstein, "Science without Religion is Lame, Religion without Science is Blind" and another by somebody who was a family friend Abraham Kovoor, an absolute cynic and a practical one at that, in his book "On Looking Back" recounted that when one of his sisters asked him to take medicine for treating a cough while praying to Jesus to cure him, Kovoor replied, "if I do both at the same time I wont know which of the two helped remove the cough. So I will take the medicine now, and if there is no effect, I will try praying."
At the end of the day humans will advance to dizzy heights of achievement in every sphere that we endeavour to conquor but sadly in the process I doubt we will ever learn the damage we inflict on ourselves or that we may loose out on the values that distinguished us as humane in the first place. "
So you see my friends, science may advance to the point of extraordinary achievements but the mystery of love and compassion and the feelings of the human heart can only come from a higher power that is both incomprehensible and unfathomable, and cannot be recreated by mortal hands,
To feel for another, to love one another, to care for each other and most of all to be just human, with all our flaws and mistakes, accepting and respecting each other for who we really are as simple human beings…. That is what makes our world beautiful…. That is what makes life truly worth living!!!
I added the following to conclude the narration:
" Now I am more of a Science person and God is my convenient refuge in times of uncertainty and insecurity, but even I was impressed with the eloquence and depth of what the Author wrote. The only thing that came to my mind was a statement attributed to Albert Einstein, "Science without Religion is Lame, Religion without Science is Blind" and another by somebody who was a family friend Abraham Kovoor, an absolute cynic and a practical one at that, in his book "On Looking Back" recounted that when one of his sisters asked him to take medicine for treating a cough while praying to Jesus to cure him, Kovoor replied, "if I do both at the same time I wont know which of the two helped remove the cough. So I will take the medicine now, and if there is no effect, I will try praying."
At the end of the day humans will advance to dizzy heights of achievement in every sphere that we endeavour to conquor but sadly in the process I doubt we will ever learn the damage we inflict on ourselves or that we may loose out on the values that distinguished us as humane in the first place. "
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Another attempt.
As you will notice it's been more than a year and some how other my blog seems to be bogged or to use a more appropriate word blogged down! Till today that is. I logged on to my system this morning and started of with a solomn promise that I will at least spend an hour every day writing my daily post I edited my profile adding a few more details about myself. The primary purpose of this blog will be to document the rather idiotic and sometimes insane thoughts that occupy my mind on occasion. I changed the tittle today, edited my profile and will spend some time during the day to jazz up the site. The reasons for all this apart from creating a web presence, something I have been wanting to do for quite some time now, is I find maintaining daily diary on a Blog very convenient as I spend a good part of a day hooked on to the Net. My Psychologist wants this information to try and comprehend and psycho-analyse my thoughts using Carl Jung's methods of interpretation. I wish her luck as I haven't been able to figure a damn as to why or what causes this. All I do know is they do and I enjoy recollecting them to those around me at the half way home I spend my weekends helping out with the Administrators with all things computers. I don't think they all necessarily want to listen but hey it helps me and they wouldn't dare tell me to shut up! Anyway I spend a good deal of time listening to their crap, so it works both ways eh ? I also harbour the hope that if by any chance somebody out there in the Wild West of Cyberspace does come across my Blog and does comment I might learn something or vice-versa.
I must mention Dave Kristula whom I heard about when I came across his site surfing the Net for a tutorial to learn how to set up and go about developing my own web page. Those of you who need a resource and learn some good foundation in HTML with some useful tips should visit Dave's Page, he has done an excellent job. Thanks Dave. I will spend the next couple of days redesigning the layout of my blog and hopefully in the not so distant future be able to look back and say I did it at last.
Last but not least my sudden rejuvenation on matters concerning my web presence was the fact that I did manage to get a free webhost provider find them here and a free domain name their here. So since I had a domain name and two bogs with the Name Ajith Aiyar, it kinda made sense to do something productive with them. As I all ways maintained it's better late than never and what the heck, now is as good as it's ever going to be... I will use each of them for specific themes once I get a fix on where I am heading in Cyberspace. I know I am a good story teller and I have been told that a good yarn should make good reading. Lets see what happens!
I must mention Dave Kristula whom I heard about when I came across his site surfing the Net for a tutorial to learn how to set up and go about developing my own web page. Those of you who need a resource and learn some good foundation in HTML with some useful tips should visit Dave's Page, he has done an excellent job. Thanks Dave. I will spend the next couple of days redesigning the layout of my blog and hopefully in the not so distant future be able to look back and say I did it at last.
Last but not least my sudden rejuvenation on matters concerning my web presence was the fact that I did manage to get a free webhost provider find them here and a free domain name their here. So since I had a domain name and two bogs with the Name Ajith Aiyar, it kinda made sense to do something productive with them. As I all ways maintained it's better late than never and what the heck, now is as good as it's ever going to be... I will use each of them for specific themes once I get a fix on where I am heading in Cyberspace. I know I am a good story teller and I have been told that a good yarn should make good reading. Lets see what happens!
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